I
was at Church for a large portion of my childhood and teen years. When I was
itty-bitty, I went to every vacation bible school offered and have good
memories of having wheel chair races in the halls while my dad finished quartet
practice.
was at Church for a large portion of my childhood and teen years. When I was
itty-bitty, I went to every vacation bible school offered and have good
memories of having wheel chair races in the halls while my dad finished quartet
practice.
The
older I got, I was really involved in our Church’s puppet team, drama team, and
attended every mission trip, camp and retreat. I was always there for bible
studies, and service projects, etc. I had great friends and a really solid
foundation. My life was so beautiful.
older I got, I was really involved in our Church’s puppet team, drama team, and
attended every mission trip, camp and retreat. I was always there for bible
studies, and service projects, etc. I had great friends and a really solid
foundation. My life was so beautiful.
I
said “the prayer” when I was 6 and was baptized with my sister shortly after
that. I have memories of being scared the rapture would happen, because I had
friends that wouldn’t go to heaven.
said “the prayer” when I was 6 and was baptized with my sister shortly after
that. I have memories of being scared the rapture would happen, because I had
friends that wouldn’t go to heaven.
(There was also this one time in Pennsylvania that we actually thought the
rapture HAD happened…seriously funny story for another time J )
Nothing
dramatic changed in my life throughout all of that. I knew all the right words
to say when I prayed and I could answer most questions in Sunday school. Man I
was super holy…haha
dramatic changed in my life throughout all of that. I knew all the right words
to say when I prayed and I could answer most questions in Sunday school. Man I
was super holy…haha
College
was just a weird time. I struggled. I wanted to “fit it”, but that didn’t
always go along with my church girl persona. My life was quickly spiraling
downward, but I didn’t notice at first and then I didn’t care.
was just a weird time. I struggled. I wanted to “fit it”, but that didn’t
always go along with my church girl persona. My life was quickly spiraling
downward, but I didn’t notice at first and then I didn’t care.
If
the mask I was wearing was tightly in place at the end of the day, I was still
okay. I could suffocate my feelings and convictions and wake up the next day
and go on with life.
the mask I was wearing was tightly in place at the end of the day, I was still
okay. I could suffocate my feelings and convictions and wake up the next day
and go on with life.
I signed up to go on a mission trip so my life
would become how magically fixed. I also really didn’t want to get a summer job.
would become how magically fixed. I also really didn’t want to get a summer job.
India
was crazy. I played soccer with orphans
and drank chai with lepers. I met people who loved me through my muck and
brokenness. It was beautiful.
was crazy. I played soccer with orphans
and drank chai with lepers. I met people who loved me through my muck and
brokenness. It was beautiful.
I
remember sitting on our roof in India and was very overwhelmed with everything.
I remember feeling God was so present with me, even right there on a roof top
in India. Shortly one bye one my closest friends joined me on that rooftop and
I just remember feeling so broken yet loved at the same time. God saw my yuck
and my darkest parts and loved me anyway. So crazy and incredible.
remember sitting on our roof in India and was very overwhelmed with everything.
I remember feeling God was so present with me, even right there on a roof top
in India. Shortly one bye one my closest friends joined me on that rooftop and
I just remember feeling so broken yet loved at the same time. God saw my yuck
and my darkest parts and loved me anyway. So crazy and incredible.
Then
I came home.
I came home.
I had a few other “roof top” experiences since
then, but that one I will never forget. Even after I was honest with my world,
I would still point to the roof top in Dwarka Sector 8, behind the mother
dairy, in New Dehli India, as the beginning.
then, but that one I will never forget. Even after I was honest with my world,
I would still point to the roof top in Dwarka Sector 8, behind the mother
dairy, in New Dehli India, as the beginning.
In
modern day Christian circles, I think there is some unwritten rule or
expectation that once you have a mountaintop experience (or in my case a roof
top) with Jesus and truly surrender to him that you aren’t allowed to ever
screw up or make mistakes again.
modern day Christian circles, I think there is some unwritten rule or
expectation that once you have a mountaintop experience (or in my case a roof
top) with Jesus and truly surrender to him that you aren’t allowed to ever
screw up or make mistakes again.
I
would love to say that since that roof top, life has been easy and I’ve made
the best decisions and live a flawless life. We all know that isn’t true
though.
would love to say that since that roof top, life has been easy and I’ve made
the best decisions and live a flawless life. We all know that isn’t true
though.
So,
confession…I still struggle.
confession…I still struggle.
I
have had many rock bottom moments since then.
have had many rock bottom moments since then.
I
had many times I cried so hard trying to pray to a God I wasn’t sure existed.
had many times I cried so hard trying to pray to a God I wasn’t sure existed.
I
have had moments where I have made bad decisions and have fallen straight on my
face.
have had moments where I have made bad decisions and have fallen straight on my
face.
I
have had many moments where I had no strength and I felt empty and hated myself
and everything around me.
have had many moments where I had no strength and I felt empty and hated myself
and everything around me.
I
have had moments where I doubted I had a purpose.
have had moments where I doubted I had a purpose.
I
have had moments where I literally wanted to hide from the world.
have had moments where I literally wanted to hide from the world.
Call
me crazy, but I don’t think I’m alone.
me crazy, but I don’t think I’m alone.
I do believe that there are people that have experiences and their lives are
completely changed 100%.
I do also believe that through my experience that once we finally surrender, I
wholeheartedly believe the enemy jumps on us with the intent of suffocating the
peace out of us and questioning everything we believe and who we are as God’s beloved.
I
don’t have it all together. I am a Christ follower, but I still struggle. I
still have to choose joy daily. I still have to choose love and peace.
don’t have it all together. I am a Christ follower, but I still struggle. I
still have to choose joy daily. I still have to choose love and peace.
His
grace is constant, overwhelming, and suffocating. Let’s be really honest. Following Christ is
hard and messy.
grace is constant, overwhelming, and suffocating. Let’s be really honest. Following Christ is
hard and messy.
But, he knows it is and designed it that way. He walked on Earth and was
tempted too, so he gets it.
I
truly find peace in the reality that he doesn’t walk away when we fall. He is
always there to pick you up and remind us who we are in him.
truly find peace in the reality that he doesn’t walk away when we fall. He is
always there to pick you up and remind us who we are in him.
That
love and grace though…
love and grace though…
That
is what gives me the strength to fight my flesh, my struggle, and choose to
live for Him. Not because of fear of failure or obligation, but because regardless
he loves you 100%.
is what gives me the strength to fight my flesh, my struggle, and choose to
live for Him. Not because of fear of failure or obligation, but because regardless
he loves you 100%.
I
don’t understand it, but I don’t really have to. But, I choose to be in. I
choose to be all in.
don’t understand it, but I don’t really have to. But, I choose to be in. I
choose to be all in.
It
is not easy to admit that I’m human and still struggle. Especially because I
feel that I need to be perfect. It is hard to admit that life is still hard
WITH Christ, but I choose to be in.
is not easy to admit that I’m human and still struggle. Especially because I
feel that I need to be perfect. It is hard to admit that life is still hard
WITH Christ, but I choose to be in.
Here’s
to real struggle and letting God show his grace and love through our stories.
to real struggle and letting God show his grace and love through our stories.
Here’s
to destroying the enemies lies that we are failures and aren’t worth it.
to destroying the enemies lies that we are failures and aren’t worth it.
Here’s
to choosing joy.
to choosing joy.
That was very honest , and yes we all still struggle and search and question God sometimes but in the end we know He loves us unconditionally. That spoke to me Kourney as I too struggle in my walk with Christ at times, more times than I want to admit but God promises never to leave us alone .
Thanks for being real! Thanks for reminding us to choose joy each day! Love you sister!!