Christmas is a celebration! We are celebrating the birth of our King. It is a time of joy and happiness. It is a time for family and friends. But, I was reminded today that it can also be a time of pain.
Like most kids on Christmas, ours could hardly wait to wake up and open their presents. We went for quality over quantity this year so it wasn’t much later that they were looking over their loot and choosing what to play with first.
The very last present to come out right before that was a present for the twins. I had spent hours choosing what it would be. Several months ago, I acquired baby pictures of them and decided to make their very own baby book. Most kids in the system have very little of their past so to get actual pictures was very special for me as their mom. I anticipated excitement and flipping through the pages over and over. What actually happened was quite the opposite. Twin 2 was looking, but was less than thrilled. Twin 1 refused to even look at it. My pride took over and I got a bit mad…I thought for sure they would like this and I couldn’t figure out why they just didn’t.
From that point on, it was rocky in our home. Defiance and anger ruled the hour. Definitely not the merry Christmas I had imagined.
After a struggle with twin 1, I was putting her to bed for a nap. I’ll be honest, I was not happy with her. I finally just looked at her and almost pleaded with her to tell me what was wrong. With her big brown eyes she looked at me and said, “when is my dad coming to get me?”
I knew who she meant. She didn’t mean Ryan. She meant her birth father. Last year, on Christmas, was the last time they saw their first dad. I knew that in my head but did not know the impact it would have on either of them. My heart broke for her in that moment. The twins have been in care so long that they truly don’t understand what has happened or what is currently happening.
After a big hug I explained to her that her first dad will always love her, and he will always be her dad. But, because of some things he cannot be her parent, but Ryan and I wanted to be. An ongoing conversation I expect to have many times in the future.
I left the room and I was just crushed. Again, my own pride set In. Her first parents have completely left her. They have missed so much. Since being in care they learned to talk and run, climb, swing, etc. since being with me they have experienced their first day of school and lost their first teeth. They have scored goals and baskets and colored countless pictures. They just missed out. We have been here with all of that and it’s painful sometimes when it feels like that is not enough.
Once I kicked my pride in the butt I realize that is not it at all. The twins do love us and they do want to be here, but they will always be connected to their past and their first family. Even though we are bonding and forming our family, they have already had one. It wasn’t just their parents either. They have grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles that look like them and share that biological bond. I never want to and couldn’t replace that even if I wanted to. But, the reality is that my kids were dealt really difficult cards. It will take time to even begin to heal. I just need to be willing to be uncomfortable and to have my feelings hurt.
Merry Christmas,
Kourt
PS. After some wonderful naps by everyone we all felt better. Twin 1 asked me at the park if I would be her mommy forever. I think we are back to that Merry Christmas after all.
