Most everyone knows that I have anxiety. Intense, legitimate, crippling anxiety that affects every day of my life. Most everyone also is aware that I choose to live a very intense and stressful life. These two worlds don’t always mesh.
My anxiety has played a big part in who I am as an adult. I don’t go certain places or do certain things to avoid triggering situations. I have lost friendships that truly meant something to me solely because of my anxiety. Little things are sometimes very difficult for me even all these years later. The difference is I am older. I know my triggers. I am very self-aware, and my husband is a true rock star.
Foster care is not easy. It is down right hard much of the time. There is so much uncertainty. Things change ALL THE TIME. Just when you seem comfortable or content the wind blows and things are absolutely nuts again. Having anxiety multiplies those feelings. My mind can intensify situations extremely quickly. Sometimes I realize I am doing that and sometimes I just don’t.
My anxiety is not a choice, believe me. However, I can choose how I respond to it. I can choose to get worked up and make my circle go crazy, or I can do my thing, calm down, and stay in the moment. In our current situation with Little Man, anxiety runs high. Between all the emails, phone calls, text messages, doctors appointments, meetings, and court hearings that could all change his life in a few minutes, I admit I get super anxious often. But, at the end of the day, beyond all that anxiety inducing life stuff, there is a happy, healthy, and growing little boy. If I focused all on the stuff that makes me anxious, I would miss out on the little boy. Choosing to stop and breathe and be in the present is not easy for me and is sometimes a choice I have to make every single hour. It is so worth it though, because I don’t want to miss out on a single thing with him or any of the kids we care for.
Anxiety flat out sucks and I don’t wish it on anyone, but even I have to stop and think about the positive side. Because of what I have gone through, I am able to relate and truly empathize with a wide variety of people. Yes, I do sometimes act too quickly because of how I think, but I also have the ability to stop and understand where other people are coming from. I also have a better sense when I truly care about something or someone and when something really matters to me. My “stuff” has caused me to connect on a deep level with many people and share a connection with them. I also realize that even though most of the time I’m a little crazy and like to laugh and joke around, that I truly have deep and meaningful emotions. That also helps me connect with kids in my home, people I have known my whole life, or complete strangers (when I’m not freaking out because I don’t know them and they are talking to me…..lol) because EVERYONE has their “thing.”
The point of all this is that for a long time I thought I was broken. I thought that I was cursed or broke a mirror when I was a kid or something like that. I genuinely thought that I did something to make myself this way. That is not the case. While I don’t always enjoy or like it, I have been gifted with anxiety for a purpose. My life has purpose and deep meaning and there is nothing wrong with that.
Koko