To Little Man’s Birth Mom,
I’ve spent hours trying to figure out why you have made the choices you have made. I’ll be honest. Some days, I have been angry. I have been confused and frustrated. Other days, I work extremely hard to be full of compassion. It is not my right or job to judge your actions. Afterall, just because your poor choices are more public, does not make them worse than my own.
It truly is not about us. It is about a little boy that we both love. I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but regardless of what happens, I love your son with my entire being. In fact, I was not sure that I would ever feel a love like I feel and have felt for your son. But, I have loved him since the first time I laid eyes on him.
Everytime someone says he looks “just like me”, I cringe. A surge of guilt runs through my body as I say “thank you” or deflect in some other way. I had nothing to do with it. His big blue eyes his bright blonde hair that is getting curlier by the day is all from you. He is one handsome little boy.
I had nothing to do with his entry into the world, but I have joyfully cared and loved him all but eight days of his life. Many of the joyful and unforgettable days we have had with him, like his first Christmas, the day he learned to roll over, and the day he learned to smile, are probably the days you’d like to forget.
Today is Mother’s Day. I’m sorry that this day is probably more painful for you than it is for me. The world may see in you one way and I am sure that is hard. Know that I don’t see you that way. I see you as the women who carried little man and the one responsible for his big blue eyes, adorable smile, and his love of music.
Nothing is certain, but it looks like the path may be paving itself. Know that your son is not only loved by you, but he is now loved by our tribe. They love him so well and so hard. Even if he is just a season, he is one of the best gifts I have ever received. If this season happens to be forever, know that I see you, and I know you will always be his first mother. He will always know how much you loved him. You will always be in my heart as you are responsible for the little human that fills me with so much joy and love.
Happy mother’s day.
Kourtney
