I don’t like feelings.
Five months ago, two little humans left my home. It wasn’t the first time kids left and it won’t be the last. But, it was different.
We took the twins with the intention of adopting. We were aware of past abuse and learned of past traumas. Life was not always easy, but it was good. These children called us mom and dad. They referred to our parents as grandma and grandpa…and they loved their cousins. We laughed with them and cried with them. We celebrated the little and the big. We held them through night terrors and hard memories. We truly and wholeheartedly loved them. Circumstances beyond our control led to their departure.
The day they left was truly one of the hardest days I have ever felt. I felt broken and numb. I felt like I was a failure. I felt like I failed them. In the end, there was nothing I could do to stop them from leaving. It was excruciatingly painful.
While I have done a ton of healing, the truth is…it’s still hard. I still think about them every day. I truly attempt not to do so, but that is near impossible. In the last hour alone, just in the safety of my own home, I saw their growth chart that we can’t paint over. I saw the annoyingly pink unicorn comforter hidden under a bed. I also came across a barbie that I was pretty sure I had thrown away but it keeps coming back in Dracula fashion. Their memory is everywhere.
I think of twin 1’s shy little smile and twin 2’s giggle. I think of the dance parties we would have. I think of reading books before bedtime. I think of how messy the dining room table would be after they did art, but how they loved it. I think of the plans we had that included them being with us.
My girls will always be in my heart no matter how far away they are from me. I have not had any contact with them since the day they left and I will not ever again. However, I often think about what I would say to them if I had the chance.
I would give them the biggest hug ever. I would tell them that they are beautiful despite what the world tells them. I would tell them I will never stop loving them. I would tell them to not let the limits placed on them by the world define their hopes and dreams. I would encourage them to always fight for those around them. I would just tell them they are loved.
Foster care is hard. Parenting is hard. Sometimes this life is hard.
But just because it is hard does not mean it is bad. Despite the heartache I felt and continue to feel, I don’t regret loving them. I don’t regret giving them my heart. Love is being willing to have your heartbroken but doing it anyway.
The little humans have my heart.
Koko
