Little man is a hand holder. It started when he was around 3-4 weeks old. I was feeding him and he grabbed my thumb. That first time I didn’t think anything of it. Soon this became his habit and he would hold the thumb of whoever was feeding him. His hand grew and now he holds my hand not just my thumb. It is such a little thing, but it means so much to me. I know he will grow and it won’t last so I try to soak it up.
Little man is also just a cuddler in general. He loves to be held and hugged. He sleeps better knowing that someone is near. Often times he will nap in our bed while I am reading or working on my computer. More times than not, he will roll over and reach out to touch my arm. As soon as makes contact he will continue sleeping. (okay…he might be a little spoiled.)
His court date is coming up very quickly. As I shared before, at times I am able to feel confident and calm. Most times I am anxious. I have no control over what will happen. That is not my job. My job is just to love little man and love him well. Ryan and I were talking recently about everything and we decided the following statement describes our situation perfectly.
We remember life before him, but can’t imagine life without him.
I’m not really sure that statement makes any sense, but sometimes this life doesn’t make much sense. Feelings don’t make much sense. I certainly remember life before him. Afterall, he is only 8 months old. However, now that he is here and so loved by us and our tribe, I genuinely can’t imagine life without him in it. Which is a dangerous place to be as there is still no guarantee of his future.
I catch myself calling him my son, not just my foster son. I quickly correct myself as I am not (yet) his mother. It is no secret that I want to drop the prefix. I desperately want to be his mother. I want to go through the terrible twos and bring him to his first day of kindergarten. I hope that I get to teach him to ride a bike and swim. I hope that I get to see Ryan teach him how to open doors for women and be a kind and respectful man. I hope that I can see the excitement he has when we drop him off at college or whatever he chooses to do. I hope I will be there the day he chooses a bride.
I let my mind wander about the experiences we could someday have and our future as a family. That is risky thinking. I try to quickly contain my thoughts in order to protect my heart in case he does not stay. Nothing will ever change how much I love him. Even if he were to leave, the love we have for him is cemented on our hearts.
Somewhere in the mix of all the anxiety and nervousness of the coming days is the little boy. His smile calms my heart. His laughter makes me so full of joy. In times of anxiety, I just want to hold him. It seems that in the times of greatest anxiety are the times that little man wants to hold my hand a little longer. He wants to cuddle a little bit more. Maybe that is his way of saying he loves us too. Perhaps that is his way of saying, “calm down koko it will be okay.”
Jesus always wins. I will cling to that in the days to come and for all days after that. Even if Little Man is not in my arms forever I do fully believe and trust that he will always be in the arms of our heavenly father. Papa God.
Adulting is weird.
Koko
