The night before Little man’s court hearing was a fairly normal night. The boys went to sleep near on time and we went to bed early ourselves. Even though I was so tired, my mind was racing. Uncertainty is scary. Eventually I was able to fall asleep. I woke up to Little Man who was in the crib next to me. I wasn’t sure what time it was but I picked him up and starting rocking him back to sleep. He stopped crying right away. As I held him he calmed down and started to drift back to sleep. Something in me couldn’t put him down. As I sat there and felt his weight on me, I realized that I was at peace. I am not sure how long I sat there and held him but I was completely calm just holding him and watching him sleep.
The next morning I tried to keep myself busy. Time actually passed fairly quickly. Ryan took me to lunch and our conversation mostly centered on the little boys in our home. Let’s be real-most of ALL of our conversations center on the little boys in our home. I’m assuming that is true with “normal” parents too?
We went back home and had some time to kill. Ryan and I deal with our anxiety and nervousness in different ways. Ryan focuses on one thing and kind of zones out. He was busy watching youtube videos downstairs while I was upstairs. I am the opposite. When I am anxious I have a hard time focusing on anything. So, I went upstairs to change clothes and ended up scrubbing the sink, counter, and toilet instead…yeah I’m weird.
I did eventually get dressed and we headed for the courthouse. We pulled in and headed to the floor the assigned courtroom was on. This was probably my fourteenth or fifteenth trip for a hearing, but this one had higher stakes. The wait seemed extremely long, but in reality we only waited about 20 minutes. We had a good friend with us and between the two of them they helped my anxiety stay down.
One thing that actually raised my anxiety was the shocking absence of any of his bio-family. I have been to every single one of his hearings going back to the first one when he was only 12 days old. Several bio family members, of all ages, have been a consistent presence at the proceedings even if they were not involved directly. That is really all I can say at this time about that matter.
The hearing started and I wasn’t sure what to expect. All I could do was take a deep breath and watch it all unfold. Sometimes I don’t always know what the lawyers are saying due to the language they use and it is always so hard to hear, but I followed along as best I can.
When I hear the judge start, “we are here in the matter of Juvenile number….” I get a little choked up. Hearing the little boy I love so much be referred to as a number brings this all back to reality. It is completely necessary for legal purposes but it is not always easy to hear. I grabbed Ryan’s hand in that moment. He is always my source of calm.
The hearing proceeded. What was expected to take hours took much less time. I wasn’t expecting a judgement and that is good because the judge said he would give his decision in the next several weeks to a month. Legally he has 60 days. The waiting continues. I am okay with that. I am not at all sure of what the judge will decide in this particular matter in our journey. It is not the end we seek (yet) but it is an extremely vital step headed that way.
Later that day, I picked Little Man up and gave him extra smooches. We had plans that night so the day didn’t really sink in. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about it until the day after. I still have anxiety. Some days are worse than the other, but I do have peace and ironically it was given to me through Little Man himself.
Something extremely obvious occured to me. He had no idea. Monday July 8th, 2019 was potentially a very important and crucial day in his life. Yet, being only 8 months old, he had no idea. Ryan and I both gave him countless extra hugs and smooches. Time with him is so precious.He had been saying a word for the last week or so, but never actually said it in the right context. On that day, I witnessed Little Man say “dada” directed at Ryan for the first time. It was a very simple moment, but it was the most perfect simple moment I’ve ever had.
His future is still undecided. We wait for that all important phone call. It will come in due time. We can’t do anything now but wait. (Well, and make sure we pay the phone bill so we actually get the call, but Ryan has that covered.)
In the meantime, we do life. We laugh, we learn to actually crawl and not just scoot, we eat a ton of food and sing baby shark 1000 times. I’m learning that all of these really big days are important to get to the destination we seek, but it is the little moments that make up the journey. Even if we don’t make it to our destination…we still had the journey. I will enjoy the journey.
Jesus wins.
Koko
