Dear Grandma,
It has almost been five years since I have seen you. Five years since our last conversation. In some ways, it doesn’t feel like it has been that long. Most of the time though it does feel like that was a lifetime ago.
In the five years since you left, I moved back to Iowa, coached collegiate soccer for three years, started dating and married a nice boy and parented seven kids. Now one of those kids will one day make me a paper mom. I remember conversations in the later days about my future. I was so convinced for so long that I would never date much less be married. I never thought I would have the opportunity to be a mom. I never thought those things but you were convinced both of them would happen.
I wish you could meet both of them. It is so cliche, but Ryan is my best friend. We laugh, we are weird, we have endured hard things. He is kind and funny. I think you would like him. I haven’t yet introduced him to New Orleans yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to go back knowing that you aren’t there. It is coming though! (I am in desperate need for some beignets.)
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you would love Little Man. He is so happy and full of joy. He loves to laugh and smile. He is crawling all over the place and follows us around. He is calm most of the time and daycare says he loves “art class.” He loves to cuddle. His big blue eyes melt my heart in the best possible way. He is perfect.
One day soon he will be my son. You will be a great-grandma again. I wish that you were here. I wanted to share these parts of my life with you. I selfishly wanted you to be here. I know you ARE here with us. We all carry you in our hearts. Sometimes, I wish that it could be more. I wish that even for one day you could come back in a healthy body and see all of your kids, grand kids, and the greats. The little’s are getting so big.
I hope you are proud of me. I hope that you know that we haven’t forgotten you. We still tell your funny stories and I still attempt to make your recipes. I miss you everyday, but will have to be content with a lifetime without you.
I love you forever.
Kourt Kourt