Our foster care journey has been crazy, scary, and exciting. Sometimes all of those in the same day. Parenting kids with rough beginnings is tough but I have learned so much about myself, love, and life in general on the journey. I know the journey is not over. In some ways, the journey is still just beginning.
I am eagerly waiting for the big day. I am beyond ready and excited to sit before the judge and have little man declared as our son. It is a day I have dreamed of often. I am amazed that a simple “yes” nine months ago has forever changed our lives.
I have been more emotional than I thought I would be in recent days. I have never been one to cry happy tears, but that may no longer be the case. I have found that I am sometimes so happy that I just don’t have words. I cannot adequately describe how full of pure joy Ryan and I have both become.
The day after the termination was final, Little Man had his goodbye visit. This is the last visit offered to his first parents. It is designed to be short and a time for closure for the parent. I was not sure if Little man’s first mom would attend. I am happy that she decided to participate. He really wouldn’t know any difference. He has only seen her a handful of times in his entire life, but I am happy she had that chance for a goodbye.
Little man is only nine months old. He joined our family when he was only eight days old. In reality, he will have no memory of his journey so far. Whether he remembers it or not, this journey has been his life so far and it will always be a chapter in his life. Ryan and I have decided that we will speak openly with him about his adoption and first family when the time is right. I will never hide what I know about his beginnings.
I don’t have negative thoughts towards his first mom or dad and I don’t want anyone else to either. We as a family will never speak negatively of either of them. They made mistakes. They do not have the ability to care for him. They are not bad people. They love little man.
The worker who facilitated the goodbye visit contacted me to let me know how it went. As the worker was reporting the visit, my heart broke all over again. The worker brought little man to McDonalds to meet with his first mom. The worker was expecting his first mom to be late, but she discovered his first mom there already. She had gotten there early and purchased a kids meal for little man and had it all laid out and ready for him.
Now, little man is only nine months old. He cannot eat any part of a happy meal. But, for the first time in his entire life she provided him food. She wanted it to be perfect for him. She came alone (which was also a first and very significant) and went before the scheduled time to make sure everything was just right for the last time she will see little man as his mother. This brought tears to my eyes. She loves that little boy. She just cannot care for him. Even in the final days, she made choices for his benefit. There is no doubt in my mind that both of his birth parents love him.
It is such an interesting range of emotions. While I am so happy to be his mother one day very soon, I still have to pause and acknowledge his journey. That is not lost on me. I believe I have only scratched the surface of that reality. This journey has been hard. Sometimes it felt impossible. With as difficult as it has been, I don’t regret it and wouldn’t change anything. The tears, anxiety and hard days have made these moments so much sweeter.
The biggest thing I have taken away from these past 19 months is that Jesus really does win. He is in control. His plans are always better than my own, even if they require pain. I have learned that love is worth it. I have learned that we have a tribe around us that love and support our kids as we do. I have learned to never give up on fighting for those you love. I have learned that love is always worth the fight. I have learned that my weaknesses define my strength. I have learned that there is a difference between being happy and having joy. I have learned to not let laundry pile up because kids somehow produce more dirty clothes in one day than I do in a week.
It was worth it. He is worth it.
(Soon to be) mama Koko