When I started writing about all the different aspects of my life, I never intended to be a voice for foster parents.Over time, it has become my goal to educate our village, those we associate with, and even strangers in the complex world of foster care. I don’t know much. I just know my experiences. I think we all play apart in this growing issue in a broken system.
All foster parents have things in common. We all have things we struggle with, but we often don’t voice these struggles. For me at least, I don’t always voice them because I want people to join the fight (in whatever way possible) rather than run away screaming. In my experience, all foster parents have the same five struggles.
The struggle to have a voice.
Most foster parents I met don’t often express what they deal with. Sometimes, we just can’t talk about it due to legal reasons. Sometimes, we feel people just don’t understand or relate.
When we are in the thick of a case, I often feel we don’t have a voice. As foster parents, we have to support the goal of the case, and understandably so. We are in this life to love and support kids and their interests. Sometimes, our lives and families take a toll. We have had a kiddo that had six visits a week. We supported the child seeing birth parents, but we ended up transporting the child to those visits 4-5 days a week. This took time away from our other child, our marriage, and life in general. We didn’t feel like we had a voice to speak up, because we didn’t want to seem like we were against the goal. It was tough.
The struggle to let go.
When kids leave, it is hard. It is a pain that I cannot adequately express. Often times, it is so bittersweet. Sweet because the child is moving on to a great place, but always bitter. It’s hard to not get attached. It is my job to get attached. We try to welcome kids not only into our home but into our lives and families. It is so hard when kids leave. It is hard to let them go.
The struggle to keep going.
Life in general is tough. This life is a different kind of tough. Sometimes, the uncertainty and anxiety are crippling. It’s incredibly difficult to face another day. It is hard when cases can change in a moment’s notice. It is hard to not have needed information. I know that I am supposed to be a foster parent. Even with that knowledge, sometimes it is hard to keep going.
The struggle to be positive.
The kids we have met have been through really hard things. These kids are very often paying for mistakes that adults made. They are innocent. They have trauma. Trauma is real and it even appears on the greatest of days. Sometimes, “child’s best interest” doesn’t happen. Things take FOREVER. Sometimes kids are labeled by just what is on paper and not for the little real humans they are. There are days it is hard to be positive.
As time goes on, it is getting easier to find joy in the small things. Over time, we are finding places that we are able to just enjoy the smiles, giggles, and cuddles. The kids are worth it.
The struggle to find community.
Fostering is a weird world. Before I fostered, I had no idea of what the complexities would be. Sometimes, I want to shield things from friends and family so they aren’t affected by the negative or hard things. I don’t want to hear that I should quit. So, I don’t always share. We don’t like to burden others, so we don’t ask for help.
Likewise, people don’t always know what to say or what is okay to ask or not. Sometimes, they don’t know how to help.
So, we all just avoid the hard things. This is manageable for awhile, but it is not sustainable. It is a recipe for loneliness and isolation. It is hard at times.
Ryan and I are introverts by nature. By nature, we aren’t gifted with public speaking or care being in large groups of people. Fostering small humans has continuously brought us out of comfort zones. We have been challenged. We have had low points and high points. The past few months have been a shift. A shift of growth. We let people into our world now. We still maintain legal confidentiality when it is needed, but we ask for help. We are so blessed by a caring village around us. I don’t even think we have fully realized the strength around us.
Foster care has forced us to grow. Alone, we can only go so far. With the strength of our village we are relentless. We will always advocate for the little humans in our home. We will always advocate for our friends in the fight with us. Slowly, we are learning to turn these five struggles into strength of our own.
Koko
“Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.” -Napoleon Hill
