I try really hard not to be offended by much in life. I try to respond and act from a place of love and understanding. If you want to offend me, the quickest way is to be negative about our kids. I still try to be kind but it can be tough….I’m very human. I have heard people several times say that foster parents do this as a “business” because we get paid to foster.
It is true. We do receive a stipend every month per child. It is not much. I keep very accurate records of what we spend and on what. If you break down the money we are given per child, we are making approximately 71 cents per child each hour. That does not even come close to defray even ¼ of the cost of raising a child. We knew the rules of the game before we started playing and money has NOTHING to do with our choice to foster. I am sure there are bad foster homes out there. For the large majority, the intentions are good and the kids are why we chose this life.
I know that many people believe that foster care is a business. Here is what my response would be to those people.
All the times that 71 cents was worth it:
When the bedtime process takes over two hours because the kid has significant trauma that occurred at bedtime.
When said child is terrified the monsters are going to find them and hurt them again.
When I have to explain to a child why they won’t ever live with their bio parent again.
When I have to explain to kids of other races what “gorilla” and “nigger” mean.
When you can’t hug a child to comfort them because they are afraid you will hurt them.
When I sit awake all night with a screaming infant or toddler because they miss their mom.
When you go pick up a toddler and are given the wrong name and don’t find out for 3 days what their actual name is.
When you have to explain to a child that their mom cancelled their visit…..again.
When I am in public with kids of color and one the same as mine and a stranger congratulates me for “finally having one that looks like me”
When bio parents complain that their kid had a knot in their hair one day last month or didn’t match correctly but never asked how the child was doing.
When I get genuinely nervous when the almost two year old falls while playing outside because the parents might accuse you of things you didn’t do.
When I have to explain to a preschooler that their mom forgot to call again.
When I have to go to court and hear all the horrible things that have happened to the children in my home.
When “child’s best interest” doesn’t actually happen.
When I have to bring a child in for a drug test.
When I clean feces off my walls because the child has a history of abuse.
When I worry if the bio-family member is going to show up at daycare or my home to see the child.
When my family is threatened by a stranger because I have a child that is related to them in my home.
When I have to cancel plans or a trip because my kids can’t come.
When I hear all the ways one of my kids have been hurt by previous caregivers.
When I get that gut-wrenching feeling when they leave.
When I hardly sleep because of night terrors, night time feedings, and general stress insomnia.
When I lose friends because they don’t understand why my kids act the way they do.
When we feel lonely out on an island by ourselves.
When I am excluded from mom’s groups because I don’t get parenting.
When I have to explain to my niece and nephew why they won’t see their friends again.
The images I will never forget.
The many many appointments
When someone asks you for the billionth time why you didn’t try to have your own kids instead.
When people in public feel the need to explain why I should have chosen to breastfeed over formula.
When someone says that they hope you will be a mom someday.
Running all over God’s creation and constantly being a step behind what I need to do.
Answering the same conversations over and over.
When I have to wait weeks to get an answer on simple things.
The sometimes daily tantrums.
The stress. The stress. The stress.
The heartache.
Time spent away from my family.
So yes, we foster for the money.
Koko
You are hilarious. You crack me up. Love, love all the 1 liners to explain your experiences and realize I have probably said some of these things to add stress to your situation. Know that most comments are probably trying to be conversation starters and many of us are illiterate to the foster care system. You have taught me sooooo much in the short time we have known you and for that I am soooo grateful. Love watching you guys with your kids and thanks for the teaching moments.
Thanks friend! I do realize that most people are speaking from a place of care and curiosity and not from a place of malice. I’m a work in progress