I was born to do many things.
I was born to have blue eyes and brown hair. I was born to be an athlete. I was born to be a younger sister. I was born to be right handed and average height. I was born to be introverted yet strangely adventurous. I was born to be a wife. Those are things that cannot be taken away from me. I know those things are facts and apart of my DNA.
I also was born to be a mom. I was not, however, born to have a baby.
I know what you are probably thinking. Things I have heard before. “Oh, don’t say that!” or “Just have faith!” or “Doctors aren’t God and his plan is perfect.” However, this is my reality. This is my truth. Stop thinking those things and saying those things. Take back those words. Embrace my reality with me. Celebrate my truth with me.
I’ll admit it. Even all these years later, when I see the cute posts about a friend being pregnant, pregnant friends with their bump pictures, or the “mom” talk starts around me and I can’t participate or offer anything, it hurts. When I am unintentionally isolated from mom’s groups it hurts. When people around me all seem to be pregnant or all the baby showers. As happy as I am for my friends, all of it still does hurt a little bit. It still is a little salt in the wounds that are my mama’s heart. Even though I love my life, it is a little painful. With that being said, please don’t feel pity or offer up the good Christian response. Instead, embrace my words and hear these words that are coming straight from my heart.
I wasn’t meant to give birth to a baby, but I was born to be a mama.
I was born to care and love babies, but not ones that I have conceived myself. I was born to love the little ones (and sometimes a little bit bigger little ones) that others may not be able to for however long or whatever reason. God never intended for me to plan 9 months for a baby, but he has entrusted me to be ready to fully commit to love and care for little humans with little or no notice at all.
It took me awhile to realize this and even longer to verbalize it. I now can own it. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. A paper mom I will be soon, but I have been a mama all along. I now know that in my heart and no one can take that away from me.
As I said, I am still healing. Thank you to my circle for extending grace to do so. I fail at this sometimes, but God’s plans really are perfect. Jesus really does win. After all, I may not have been born to have children, but I was born to be little man’s mother. I know that in my heart and in my spirit. I was made to be his and he was made to be mine, regardless of the path it took to get us to the destination.
The genuine, passionate, and relentless love I have been given by my savior, my husband, my parents, and my tribe is only worth something if I am able to give it away. I was made to love those around me, but especially little humans that need a little extra love.
I was made for this.
Koko