This month has been uncomfortable. November is national adoption month. I so badly wished we were celebrating an adoption this month. I so wish that our constant state of unpredictability was over-at least with Little Man. This journey has been very long. We still have no idea how the story will end. We don’t know what our family will look like next week, next month, three months down the road, next year. That is uncomfortable and sometimes painful.
I have found myself reflecting on our overall journey lately. We haven’t even been licensed for two years yet, but have had the honor of having eight little humans in our home. (we don’t count respite kiddos in our final number, but if you do we have had almost twenty kids in our home.) Eight little humans that needed love. Eight stories of hard situations. Eight stories of kids paying for the mistakes of adults. I also think of eight little smiles. Eight little hugs. Eight little humans that just needed love and space to grow.
Cutie bug came first. We were so overwhelmed and I kept having to remind myself that a real live baby was in our home and it wasn’t a dream. About a month later, half pint came home. I picked him up that first night and brought him through the drive through at McDonalds. It was late, but he had not eaten yet. No one knew that he got car sick and ended up puking up all over my new car. (Don’t worry he did end up eating the chicken nuggets.) Life was fairly calm for a few months after that. We got into a routine with visits and activities. Half pint joined taekwondo and loved it. Cutie bug learned to crawl in our upstairs hallway. In early June, their cases had changed and they both left our home about a week apart. We knew it was coming for both of them, but it was still bittersweet. That was that. Our first two cases were completed and we went back to no kids. We had spent nearly five months in a crash course to parenting.
About a week after they both had left we went on vacation to Mexico. Ryan and I were not sure what life was going to throw at us next. I didn’t have to wait long, because I got a text the day we landed back home about four year old twins needing a home. They were not in a situation where the girls needed to rush out of so everyone involved decided it was best to do a smooth transition.
Over the course of the next 5-6 weeks, we had the girls most weekends. By early August, they moved the few hours to our home. The twins were sweet and kind. They were full of energy and had lots of love to give. We were able to enroll them in preschool and I got to take them to their first day of school ever. The twins played soccer and basketball as well as did girl scouts. They loved to do bounce houses and do art projects. They both also really loved school. Parenting twins keeps you on your toes! We loved the twins and considered them family.
In the middle of October of 2018, I got a call about a one week old little boy. The worker said we would most likely only have him for about a week because they were making other arrangements for him. We had an open crib so we agreed. It was just for a few days afterall. The weekend that Little man came home, we actually had four kids total in the house. We had “our” three (little man and the twins) and we had a respite guest that frequented our home last fall. It is crazy to think we fit so many kids into our tiny home.
Little man didn’t go home a week later (spoiler!) and we adjusted to life with two five year olds and a newborn. Days were long and nights were short. We were busy and were outnumbered, but things were good. We were forming our little family.
By January, the twins had to leave very unexpectedly. It was painful in a different kind of way. I still think about those days and feel guilt. I wish I could have done more. I still think about them often.
We somehow tried to sort through all of that and learned to adjust to life with just an infant. It was quiet and there were many nights that we spent at home just being together. I think in many ways, little man’s presence in that hard time helped ease my pain.
At the end of January, the phone rang again. A few hours later, little bear and little cub came home. The day we picked them up, they were 3 and 18 months old (in addition to 3 month little man.)
I can admit now, that it was too soon. It was too soon to take more kids. We were still hurting from the twins departure. My husband needed more time and I needed more time. My heart was louder than my head and they all deserved to be loved as well. I don’t regret caring or them and having them, but I do recognize now that we were still in rough shape after the twins left.
Having three little boys was crazy. Little bear and little cub had little to no communication skills at the very beginning. We couldn’t understand little bear at all and little cub didn’t use words. We tried the best we could to provide what all three boys needed. It was a crazy time, but it was good too.
Little bear left before little cub. They were half brothers and little bear left for a different placement. The boys still would see each other 2-3 times a week. For the next four months we had a toddler and a baby. We had really fun times. The weather was getting warmer and those boys enjoyed to go on walks, swimming, and being outside. They were truly good pals.
Little cub (and little bear) reunited with their mom and other siblings in July of this year. We were happy that he was able to go home. He is still doing well and they have added another sibling to the family.
About a month later, pup came home. He was five days old, really small, and cried a ton. Babies are all super different and the crying thing was new for me. Little man didn’t cry until he was about 10 weeks old (no joke.) But, we have figured out how to swaddle and how to care for him in the way that he needs.
Life with two babies is interesting and busy. Life with two foster babies is unpredictable and ever-changing. Even though they are the reasons I don’t sleep most nights, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I have learned so much from all eight kiddos. I have learned to be a little more patient. I have learned to speak in ways kids can understand. I have learned what advocating for others really means. I have parented both the bullied and the bully and have learned to empathize with both. I have held crying littles and a little bit bigger littles all night when they are screaming with no apparent “reason.” I have learned that a big indicator of how my household will be that day is a direct result of how I react and handle my own emotions.
That is that. I am not sure if there will be a more or what that will look like. We may never add or we may 18 more (take a breath Ryan!). We truly don’t know. My heart and my head don’t always agree. In the end, whether we add or not, I believe we have done the best we can. We have done everything in our power to allow the kids in our home to thrive. We made mistakes. We learned hard lessons. In the end, we gave it our best effort. We love every single child that have come through our doors.
We are still praying that the next chapter will involve permanency of little man. We unashamedly pray every day for his adoption and to seal our family together.
That is that.
Jesus Wins
Koko
