It is crazy to think that our world turned upside down three months ago already. The crazy phone call that changed everything was in September. We have spent the better part of those weeks picking up the pieces. We have spent days doing damage control on our hearts and hopes for the future.
Our little man has grown. He is no longer a baby (even though he will ALWAYS be my baby.) He is mischievous and sweet. He wakes me up saying, “hi..hi…hi”, and his favorite saying is “uh-oh!” He took his first steps but still prefers to crawl or cruise. He loves to do whatever we are doing and still enjoys dance parties as he has since he was born.
Three months later, my heart is still anxious. Even though so much has changed in three short months, really not much has changed in his case. Some days feel positive. Some days feel not as positive. We have recently been given a very non specific time frame that decisions will be made. Sometime soon we will know if our family will remain together.
We can see the oh so dim light at the end of the tunnel. At this point, we are not sure if the dim light is the sun or if it is a train. We are preparing for both. Which is honestly impossible and heart wrenching. I can’t fathom my life without his little blonde curls or big blue eyes. I can’t imagine life without his kisses as he says “mama” over and over. While we do try to stay positive it is unrealistic at this point to not be prepared for either scenario.
The gravity of foster care has caught up with me lately. I am not as desensitized to the injustices and negativity of the system as I once was. I feel and see things in different ways. The system is simply just broken and it is hard to see children be made victims.
Lately, the loneliness of foster care has hit. I’ve never given birth, so I don’t relate with other women. I can’t speak to what being a natural mother is like and to avoid hard conversations, I have chosen to just walk away. I can’t always talk about what is happening with our kids and for some people that is frustrating. So, they stop calling or even responding in general. I’m not super outgoing and when in big crowds, I’m comfortable just being. Which causes isolation even at church.
This is a feeling that comes and goes in foster care because in our home our children are safe. In our homes they are not discriminated against and inside of our home I don’t have to be on constant guard to protect them from the world. I know this feeling will pass. I know the rain clouds in our life right now will pass. We just need to endure.
I was listening to the radio today and not surprisingly, it was almost all Christmas music. I don’t mind Christmas music for about an hour, but then you start to hear the same songs over and over just different people singing them. I’m not sure if it is maturity or exhaustion, but the songs I have heard my entire life were given new life. Songs like “joy to the world” and “oh holy night” felt like I had never heard them before.
Christmas is all about the birth of our Savior and King. It is about unconditional love and joy. It is also about hope. Jesus was sent as a baby to the world to give us hope. Hope for a better tomorrow and even brighter eternity. Hope for forgiveness and love.
This Christmas may seem different than years past. It isn’t going to be big and busy or full of people and presents. This Christmas will be spent just the four of us in our tiny, but warm little home. The reality that it may be the last Christmas together is not lost on me, but this Christmas I am also reminded of the hope we were given on that night in Bethlehem. Hope for tomorrow.
This Christmas season I am thankful for my husband and best friend. I am also thankful for my little men-pup and little man. They are the source of both my exhaustion and deep joy.
Merry Christmas to all my tribe.
Psalm 126:3
Love, Koko
