Thoughts with Koko 3/2/20-Adoption, Loss, and Cake

Twenty three days. On March 25th, 2020, Ryan and I will sit in front of a judge with a little boy that we have had all but one week of his entire life. A little boy who has known no other family or home but ours. On that day, that little boy will become a legal and permanent member of the family he is already apart of. I unashamedly say that it’s about time! 

Ryan and I, along with our family and friends, will spend much of the next several weeks celebrating our son’s adoption. We rode the rollercoaster of his case and when reunification was not able to be achieved with biological parents, we buckled our seatbelts of the termination process. At nine months old, with no appeal, little man’s biological parents rights were terminated and he became legally free for adoption. Little did we know, the fight for our son was only just beginning. 

I still won’t go over details as to the events from Sep 2019-January 2020. They were painful, inexcusable, and absolutely a tragic sign of a failing system. My heart is still mending from the bruises it incurred during that time frame. I still have anxiety when I think about the actions and words of the corrupt. 

However, I am more than thankful for those that stood strong and fought for him and his legal right even when they were in the strong minority. I will forever be thankful for his CASA, his Guardian at Litem, and our own family lawyer. Without those people fighting for his permanency, I am confident that we would not have him today. 

Over the next weeks and months we celebrate this big day for our son and for our family. Ryan and I have been praying for this day, along with many of you, for so long. We are nearly brought to tears just thinking that what we have fought so hard for is actually happening. Even with all of the celebrating, I still find myself seeing both sides of adoption. 

Even though little man has been in our home since he was just one week old and has never lived anywhere else, adoption does come without a loss. I must acknowledge that. Even though my son is largely unaffected by the trauma of his start and the system, he has still had significant loss in his short little life. Our incredible gain has come on another’s painful loss.

I am honored to have a relationship with his biological mother. In the times we saw each other (court hearings mostly) she was consistently kind and polite to me.She has always been aware and respected the bond we have with him. While contact has been rare, I do always know that we are connected. While I am undoubtedly his mama, she carried him and gave birth to him. I respect what that might mean for him one day.

Adoption is weird. It’s complicated. It’s difficult in some ways and incredibly easy in others. It is both a tragedy and miracle. I am honored to be his mama. The journey has not been easy. It has changed who I am as a mom, as a wife, and as just Kourtney. As I always say, he is worth it. Adoption is the final chapter to a long book. It is also the prologue to the greatest story which will be life together.

I recognize that life will not always be easy. There may be a day I have to fight again for his heart. There will be a time when he has to acknowledge his beginnings and bloodline. That is a normal part of adoption that many don’t see or talk about. However, I do believe that love will always be greater than DNA. It is not the biological factors that make him our son. It is the deep love, commitment, and bond we share.  Ryan and I, along with our family and tribe will always be respectful of his biological family and the little boy who will become a man will never hear us speak negatively of them. He will never ever be lied to about his beginnings and he will always be unconditionally loved by all of us.

From the first day I met him as a tiny little newborn until my dying breath and all the days in between. That little boy will be worth it and he will always know that. 

Now, let’s eat cake and celebrate!!!!

With joy, 

Koko