I have always written what is on my heart. My grammar is not always the best and I forget a punctuation mark sometimes, but I always promised that the words would be from my heart.
At the risk of sounding ungrateful and selfish, I have to be honest. It has taken me a few days to accept that.
Two weeks from today is adoption day. The day our family and tribe have been praying would come for so long. It’s the day that I become a legal mom, something I never thought would ever happen. This brings us so much joy. I find myself being emotional thinking about what that day means and all of the great struggle that had to happen for adoption day to come. Outside of my wedding day, adoption day will be the next most significant day of our lives. However, there is a little part of me that is a little bitter.
I’m a numbers person. I think about life in numbers at times. Through a conversation with a fellow foster parent, I decided to investigate certain numbers in my son’s life. Here is what we discovered:
Days between coming into care (birth)-day termination of parental rights was finalized: 276
Days between termination and adoption day: 254
Seeing those numbers made me cringe. Obviously, it is horrible to have kids spend even one day in care. The next thing that honestly made me a little irritated was how close those numbers are. There was no appeal in his bio parents case so his termination was finalized in July. Meaning this kid has been a ward of the state for 254 days come adoption day. He has been legally adoptable for 254 days. That is insane.
I know, I know. I sound really ungrateful, selfish, and potentially redundant. I don’t care.
The system that was supposed to protect him and work for his best interest denied his permanency. Something that is his right by law was denied to him for 254 days. Every child has a right to permanency. His permanency was delayed, sidetracked, and almost derailed by a crooked and failing system.
My son will be 17 months old when he is adopted. Many people will argue that he will have no idea that he doesn’t have permanency. I would agree in some ways. But, whether a child is aware of it or not is irrelevant. Kids deserve to live in permanent families. At the risk of sounding selfish and ungrateful, I firmly believe the system failed my kid for 254 days.
The system is broken and corrupt. You have heard me say this before. It needs reform at the core. Workers need actual trauma training, birth parents need more services, foster parents need voices, and decisions need to not be at the sole discretion of how individual state workers interpret laws. We need more CASA’s and those that truly advocate for foster kids. Kids aging out of care need help with transition and extended services. Child’s best interest needs to be an actual thing and not just a suggestion or a fun slogan everyone says. It’s about them. Kids need to stop being spoken about as pawns.
(No, I don’t know how to go about doing that or how to pay for it. I withdraw from candidacy in the 2028 election)
Some days, I don’t feel equipped to be a foster parent. I feel like fostering isn’t for me. I feel like it is just too hard and getting harder. I feel like the secondary trauma is too severe. Then I look at my little men. They didn’t ask to be born into chaos. They didn’t choose to be removed from their biological family within the first few days of birth. They didn’t ask for any of that.
At the end of the day, we choose to be uncomfortable so little humans can be loved for however long we are blessed to have them.
I know I sound childish for being a little salty.That is a hurt that I need to fix for myself. I guess it is truly the mama in me. I want the very best for my kids like all of you do. Despite him having to wait so long for something he deserved so much, I am eagerly anticipating the countless days that he will be my son.
Koko
