This past week we finalized Tripp’s adoption. It wasn’t how we planned it due to the pandemic, but it was a fantastic few days celebrating and being together. We had so many emotions….excitement, disbelief, full of joy, relief.
As many of you know, about six months ago, after termination of parental rights, he almost left us. The events of late September 2019 shouldn’t have happened. It was wrong both morally and ethically. We went from September-January living in limbo about what was going to happen. So many long days. I am so happy that the broken system didn’t win. Love won.
My faith was not always solid during our foster care adventure. I’ve been honest about that. I’ve definitely had weak moments and days. While I was often brave and confident on the outside, there were many days I was anxious and quite honestly a hot mess on the inside.
I remember having conversations with friends and saying that I knew God was good, and that he loved us, and that his plan is greater than ours. Those things are all true. I’ve heard those things my entire life. But, in the times when my faith was challenged, I wrestled with so many emotions and fought facts vs. emotions almost daily. In the midst of the chaos, I had to ask…if Tripp were to leave, could I still say God was good? If my heart was literally shattered, could I believe that he loved me? If my greatest fear was realized, could I still believe that his plan for our lives is better than my own?
It wasn’t a light bulb moment. It wasn’t a thought out process. It was a journey. It was many nights of waking up and going to check on him in his crib. It was scooping him up in my arms in those moments and choosing to sing over him and crying out to God about my pain and fears. It was in the moments where I didn’t sugar coat my feelings when talking to God and telling him how angry I was using language you probably shouldn’t when speaking to the creator of the universe. It was in the moments that he looked me in my eyes and called me “mama.” It was in the moments where he crawled up to my lap and laid his head on my shoulder and held onto me.
In January, I took a quick trip to Pensacola, Florida with my dad and Tripp to go see family. One of those afternoons, I was laying on the couch while he slept on me. My cousin and I were just watching TV and spending time together while Tripp napped. Watching him sleep that afternoon, I was thinking about our future and what would happen as I often did. It was there, on my family’s couch that I came to a realization. I realized that even though I didn’t want him to leave and my heart would be broken, that God was still good. It wasn’t a huge moment, but it was an important one.
It was the next day that I was told his adoption selection was finally allowed to be scheduled. It was exactly one week prior to being selected as his forever family.
Friends, let me tell you. Life sucks sometimes. Especially now. Life is so incredibly uncertain. Our lives have changed tremendously this month. It’s actually crazy. But beyond that, we live in a world that is unfair and unkind. Hear my heart, that God is still good. I say that with all love. Having the solid foundation that you are loved can get us through any obstacle.
Thank you to everyone for the love and kindness this week as we became a family. We are looking forward to when we can celebrate with all of our friends and family.
With love
Koko
