Foster care has a way of completely flipping your world upside down…usually in just an instant. A phone call, an email, a simple text message can change your world. That is not easy to recover from.
Last year our world was so rocked. It was a combination of big things and lots of little things. Not good things, but really hard things. Discouraging things. Things that made me want to say, “why would anyone ever want to do this?!” “Why did I willingly choose this?” “I can’t do this anymore!”
And yet, to say these things is risky. We love these little humans. More than words could express. I will always love all of them.
We won that hard battle and we did make Tripp our son. We won, but the healing is still happening because victory didn’t make the wounds go away. Currently, we are caring for another little boy we have had in this family his entire life. Nothing has made a ton of waves yet, but we have no idea what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month, or what we will be reflecting on this time next year. The unknown is incredibly difficult.
I want to do this, and sometimes still question, “why would anyone ever want to do this?!” in the same breath.
Isn’t that so like foster care and life in general at times—feeling so many opposing emotions and thoughts at once?
Last year, I had never felt so confused and conflicted. Everything just felt jumbled, and we were weary. We are still healing and reflecting over the past year. I want to learn and take those lessons going forward.
I’m not even able to put into words adequately what 2019 was. Which makes it so much harder to get to the root of the confusion. We have begun to sort through it all but…where to begin??? I can say that I had never in my life felt like that, and at times, I didn’t even recognize myself in that season.
When we decided to pursue foster parenting a few years back, it was so clear to me that we were at the center of God’s will. But now I’m here. I’m IN it. Like REALLY in it. I go back to that moment, to that reason, to my response to the why question. Why would I put myself in this state of conflict with competing emotions? What would make me say yes to this jumbled weariness? It would be so much easier to back away and live in peace.
This past year I have learned that God is pressing on my heart the gift of knowing that He is still present, and His plans are bigger than my plans. God doesn’t have to “show up” because he is already here.
He wants us to be stretched. He wants us to see more of Him, of how much our Heavenly Father cherishes us and desires to carry us through this mess.
Yes, HE is carrying us, because we all know we are NOT carrying ourselves through it.
If it were up to me and my humanness, I’d be walking the other way…or maybe just curled up in the corner, unable to face the next day. But, God sees the whole picture. He will carry us where we need to be so that we can bring glory to His name and go through this difficult journey so more people can experience His love.
And that my friend, is worth all of this jumbled, weary, messiness.
I think the most challenging part of that season (and even our current season to a certain degree) is that I never could see an end in sight — no light at the end of the tunnel.
The conflict and weariness have taken it all out of me and even so many months later, I can still honestly say we are healing.
I am weary. I don’t want to be in this place, and yet, I do all at the same time, because those little boys deserve the whole world.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
His grace is sufficient. He is my comfort in this season that feels like it will never end. I love this verse, and yet, I love that it comes on the heels of verse 8 even more.
2 Corinthians 12:8
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.”
Paul cried out to God to remove the thorn in his flesh, and God’s response wasn’t to make Paul’s life easier. It wasn’t to remove him from his difficult circumstances. He responded that His grace was sufficient.
If you are finding yourself in this place and asking yourself why you are choosing the mess just remember, that God’s grace is sufficient for you, too.
