Life has been heavy lately.
I love my job, but many days I feel like I’m a step or two behind. I absolutely hate feeling like I’m letting people down and at times I feel like I can’t keep up. I know that most of those feelings are self imposed and not from my peers. Some days it’s just so much to take in. Covid19 makes things so crazy, but I think I’m learning to adapt on the fly.
Speaking of the virus, I hate it ( just like everyone else). I truly should not complain because our immediate family has remained healthy. All of our extended family who have been positive have been able to recover with little to no complications. So, really I shouldn’t complain. However, the other side of covid19 is hitting hard for me. We have only been able to attend church in-person twice since March. Tripp is extremely high risk, so we made a decision early on to keep him as safe as possible and not take unnecessary risks. That decision came at a price. While we watch church online it is absolutely miserable. We are left out and friendships and community have gone on without us. It’s so hard and lonely at times. We have also made the decision to not travel home for Thanksgiving. My parents just don’t want to risk gathering. Again, I totally get that we shouldn’t complain because people have lost loved ones, but sometimes it’s just heavy to carry.
Lastly, Pup’s case is ramping up to a much anticipated court hearing in a few weeks. This has been 15 months in the making. It is down to crunch time. This time around, even though I know what to expect, the anxiety still is running high. We had a crucial meeting about his case this week and I have a wave of emotions. This part of the case is necessary but so hard.
Life has just been heavy.
On Thursday morning, I was driving to work. I had a few errands to run before I headed to school. That afternoon we had a big meeting for pup’s case so I had to leave work for a little over an hour. My brain wouldn’t stop running with the work to-do list mixed in with some foster care anxiety. I honestly wasn’t okay.
I turned off the radio and took a deep breath. I was stopped at a red light and looked up and saw the most beautiful pink and blue cotton candy sky. I immediately felt a small sense of calm and relief. Cotton candy skies are my favorite. I think on Thursday the masterpiece in the sky was sent just for me.
Six years ago, I quit my job and moved from Nebraska to New Orleans. The dogs and I packed up and headed out on Easter Sunday arriving in Louisiana the next Monday afternoon. Some people think that is crazy, but I don’t think I will ever regret that decision. My grandma had cancer and she needed someone to live with her and help the more sick she got. It was the easiest decision in the world.
During that season with my grandma, we would often go on walks in the mornings or in the evenings. We would see the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets. The weaker and more sick grandma got, she stopped going on walks with us more and more. Eventually, it was just the dogs and I on our daily adventures. When she was not able to go, Grandma would always ask me what color the skies were that day.
One particular day, it was super gray outside. After I got the dogs ready, I went to my grandma’s room and told her I would be back after our walk. Just like she always did, she asked me to remember what the skies looked like. There wasn’t a single color in the sky. It was gray and dreary. I walked back home and as soon as I walked in I headed back to check on grandma. I walked in and she was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her so I quietly left. Right as I was shutting the door, I heard her quiet voice say, “was it pretty today?” I told her that it was probably going to rain, because it was so gray and dull. She waited a few seconds then said, “there is always tomorrow.”
My grandma passed away less than 48 hours later. The morning after she passed away, there was the most amazing and absolutely stunning sunrise. Complete with cotton candy skies.
Thursday was a hard day. This is a weird season. Even during all of the heaviness in life there is still so much to be thankful for. There is still so much joy to find. We just have to be able to take a deep breath and see it.
Covid19 sucks. Foster care is hard at times. But, there is still hope for tomorrow. Even if it is as simple as the sunrise.
Koko