I talk and write about foster care and adoption frequently. This is the world I live in and I feel like people in our community do not often speak about our experiences. I feel I have been placed on planet Earth to be right here right now. My mission on this Earth was to have been the temporary parent of and loved eight of the most beautiful children and to adopt one of them making him our forever son. One of the layers of our journey is to share it with those around us. To use our experiences to share and encourage those we happen to meet.
2020 was quite possibly the weirdest and worst year for most humans on planet Earth. My family was no different. Similar to many others, I have realized that I still have so much to be thankful for today on Thanksgiving and every day. Our foster care journey has been tough. Our family has been turned upside down in the best of ways. Foster care is brutal and beautiful. It is hard, but we have learned so much from every child and experience.
I’ll never forget that first placement call. We were called about an 8 month old baby girl. We called her cutie bug. Bringing her home that first night was crazy. Not only were we learning to be foster parents, we were learning to be parents in general. It was early on in that case that we learned that a huge part of foster care is working with the biological parents. The “real” parents. You become real personal with strangers really quick and often meet them at the worst part of your life. That was shocking to us, but respect was earned on both sides. Cutie bug’s parents found redemption and we were able to see her reunify with her parents.
Cutie bug was with us just shy of five months. From cutie bug, I learned to earn the trust of a tiny human. Cutie bug screamed the first two weeks we had her. She knew we weren’t her parents. That was hard and not what I envisioned foster care being, but once I realized that it wasn’t about me she started to trust us. Even at that young of age, the separation with her parents was brutal. She frequently needed me to rock her or hold her in the middle of the night. Seeing her reunify was extremely bittersweet. We loved her but we knew she belonged with her parents.
About a month after cutie bug arrived, half pint made his way to us. He was four years old the day he came home. Half pint was our little shadow. He wanted to do whatever we were doing all the time. Half pint was with us for about four and half months. During that time, he had many appointments and therapies that he had not had the opportunity of having prior to living with us and he thrived.
From half pint, I learned what it looked like to truly advocate for the kids in your home. Ryan and I had to become the squeaky wheel, but I don’t regret it one bit. Half pint was worth the uncomfortable conversations. Half pint also reunified shortly after cutie bug went home. That was also a very bittersweet day.
The twins came next. They were also four years old when they first came home. They were beautiful and funny girls. They were full of love and joy despite the real trauma that they had endured in life prior to our home. We loved them hard and jumped into life as a family of four (and later five). The twins were in our long term plans. We thought that they would be in our family for the long haul.
I need to be completely transparent. When we talk about how foster care broke us, some of that is the twins case. The twins left us very unexpectedly almost two years ago. I don’t like to talk about it, but I will say that nearly two years later I still think about them everyday. I still love them. My heart is still broken in some ways because we were a family and it ended in one day.
From the twins I learned about unconditional love. They gave it every day and I like to think that they knew we returned it. While the hurt is still there from losing them, the love that I felt will always be there.
During the seven months the twins were with us, a newborn baby boy came home to us. Everyone knows the story from there. That little boy would become our son 17 months later. Tripp’s case was a roller coaster ride. It was long and I didn’t think we would ever be able to be a forever family. Sometimes I still think I am on cloud 9 after adoption. I feel like the luckiest lady in the world. From Tripp’s case we learned endurance. We had to endure a ton in order to adopt him. We had to endure the broken system and the ups and downs. In the end, love won and he is our son.
Little bear and little cub came next, age 3 and age 17 months when they came home respectively. They are half brothers. Little bear was with us for three months, while the little cub was with us for about seven months. Both boys were able to reunify. Little bear loved trains and was funny and active. Little cub loved to make people laugh and also enjoyed dancing. They were extremely active little boys. When we brought them home that made three little boys in our home ages 3, 17 months, and 3 months. That is a ton of pull ups, diapers, sippy cups, diapers, bath times, diapers, and general keeping fearless boys alive. We didn’t have much time to ourselves much less as a couple. Early on, people volunteered to help watch the herd of boys once a week so Ryan and I could just get away and reconnect. That was incredibly life-giving. From that case, I learned balance. My cup wasn’t full most of the time at the beginning and I didn’t have anything else to give. Once I learned to allow myself rest with my husband we functioned better as foster parents. Balance was huge.
Eight is great! Last but not least, in August of last year, we brought home a five day old baby boy. Pup is now 15 months old and we are madly in love. He doesn’t really know any other parents than us, but he is not our child. We are actively praying that he will be one day.
When pup came home at 5 days old, Tripp was 10 months old. Having two babies that young is absolutely no joke. It was hard. I barely slept. I forgot to eat some days. It was challenging, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. From pup I have learned to find joy. Early on, I decided to purposely find joy in my day. As I said before, I barely slept the first few months. It was so hard. I would have to go back and forth between babies in the middle of the night as Ryan and I juggled two little ones. I had to be purposeful with my attitude and joy. There is always joy to find.
So, that is the story. We have learned so much on our journey and experienced both heartbreaking loss and mountaintop joy.I’m so thankful for the hard days and moments as they make the good so much better. It has been a crazy journey that is not over yet. Along the way we have learned trust, advocacy, unconditional love, endurance, balance, and finally joy.
Long Winded Koko