Dear one who has ever even for a second considered foster care or adoption:
We chose this. Our world is wonderfully upside down by choice. Also, not so much by choice. Where we creaked open a door just a smidge to peak in, God swung it wide open. Of course, we could have said no. NO is an option. Sometimes it’s an acceptable option. I wish I could tell you we didn’t consider it. But we talked about it, at length. What a NO might look like. How it might be easier, cleaner, less stressful and not demanding as much of us daily.
In nearly three years, we have had the joy of taking home three beautiful little girls and five amazing little boys. Each of them represents a YES and has their own story.
Last year we had every reason to say no. Last year our support called about a newborn baby boy who needed a home. We had had many calls like this before. I wanted to say yes. I desperately wanted my heart to want to say YES. At the same time, I understood the impact of a NO. Honestly, there were plenty of logical reasons for a NO. Isn’t it funny how you can always seem to find reasons to support your No. The biggest driving force for our NO was fear. I was scared. For our marriage, because we were already fostering a 10 month old, and selfishly, for myself. I am all game for self-care but I also greedily crave self-indulgence. Not to mention, fostering TWO babies is INSANE and foster care in general is going to make life a bit more messy and complicated. Could we do this? Again?
I tell this back story of our YES not for accolades. There is no tribute for saying yes. The YES is the tribute. If you are trying to be a hero, foster care and adoption is not the answer or the way to earn that status. Go ahead and hang up that cape and take off your mask.
I share because I think sometimes I give people the false impression that we were not scared. That we did not pause. That the anxiety of our yes did not cause a huge argument in our marriage the night we committed to moving forward. Often people ask about our story and share words and praise in response that simply do not belong. We simply used love to make a family. I am sharing in case there is a family out there letting fear keep their family from growing and forgetting that love drives out fear.
Fear was on the giant megaphone shouting at us to say no and we had to put on some giant sized headphones to muffle it out so we could listen to the LOVE that would motivate the YES.
When we falsely interpret fear or unworthiness as the permission to say NO, we miss out on the abundance in the YES.
Ultimately, we both let love win. After we argued we just laughed, and honestly just knew that our yes was love winning. Ryan hugged me tight that night as if to tell me that we could do anything if we did it together.
Someday we are going to think it was crazy that we ever considered NO or that NO might be better.
We were right. One year later, I look at the two little loves snuggled into my arms and know this abundant YES was better than we could ask or imagine. A year of hard, messy, complicated and yet beautifully abundant YES.
To the single adult or family considering foster care or adoption:
It can be easy to feel burdened by the logistical and heavy system and simply respond NO. The waiting feels heavy and never-ending. There will always be reasons, even often respectable ones, to lean into the negative space and consider the no, don’t let the reason be fear. The fear of a broken heart seems almost inevitable. But consider how love might propel you to a yes for the child’s heart instead of trying to save your own.
When we falsely interpret fear or risk of a broken heart as the permission to say NO, we miss out on the abundance in the YES.
May you be given the courage to say YES.
Wherever you are today, whatever NO is challenging you. Whether in adopting, foster care, or heck life in general; I am praying you find your abundant YES. We almost let a crazy fear-driven NO rob us from knowing our son and the other little one we pray will be one day. We almost let our NO rob us from all of the other children we have called ours as well. In one love-motivated yes, we were given abundantly more than we could ask or imagine.