Thoughts with Koko 12/17/20-Settle in

Sometimes I allow myself to escape from the reality of foster care.

I try to forget that he belongs to someone else.

I try to forget about my need to plan for the future.

I try to forget about the court date last week that we are still waiting to hear the ruling for. 

I try to forget that someone else loves him deeply, but just can’t find the inner strength to make their family work.

I try to forget what a broken world we live in.

But today, as I got lost in the busy of the day, then came home to pick up kids and cook, I am brought back to reality. I remember we are still waiting.

I’m reminded of the emails that came through from lawyers over the past month in preparation for last weeks hearing.

I’m reminded we are still in the hard and uncomfortable in between.

I’m reminded of what the future may or may not hold. What awaits our little pup. 

Maybe it’s nothing. Most likely it’s whole lot of something.

I’m hoping and praying it is movement into something more permanent for him. He deserves permanency regardless if he knows he doesn’t have it. 

Foster care taught me a long time ago that sometimes it’s ok to let yourself forget and escape from the realities that are always looming in the foster world.

Foster care is often a series of waiting for the next visit, next phone call, next decision, next court date.

It can be exhausting to always be waiting for the “next” decision.

I have to take a mental break from time to time. A mental break from the almost constant emotional tug of war that is foster care. 

I try to live in the moment and not think about tomorrow or the next day or next week. I try to stop my brain from planning for the future and enjoy the present. 

I try to forget how little control we have on what comes next and just enjoy the little boy I love so much.

After a mental break I can step back in taking it day by day. If I were super honest with you I would tell you sometimes we have to take it hour by hour.

If there is one thing you can count on for sure in foster care, it is that plans will constantly change. For those of us who are planners, it is difficult to settle into the unknown. But that’s what we ask our foster children to do, so the best thing we can do is settle into that unknown with them. Sometimes that means drawing pictures of our families with preschoolers and sometimes settling in means rocking screaming babies to sleep at 2am. 

So, we settle in and enjoy today.

Oh little boy, you are so worth the wait.

Koko