We have almost been licensed foster parents for three years. Eight long term placements have been through our home and a ton more respite and shorter term kids have been through as well. The ages we have welcomed home for any length have been aged newborn-13 years old.
Most, if not all, have come from hard beginnings and had experienced so much in their young lives.
When you welcome kiddos with hard beginnings into your home, things like trauma naturally come with them. It is both tragic and heartbreaking. It isn’t fair to these kids. Over the past three years, I think seeing and experiencing everything we have has hardened me. Things that used to crush me now don’t phase me as much. I realize I have learned a great poker face. It is totally a way to protect myself and shield or suppress big emotions. It is safer that way when you are apart of the “system”
The classes we went through to become foster parents did nothing to prepare me for the things we would see, hear, and witness. I wasn’t prepared for things like night terrors, two hour bedroom routines, an infant that cries throughout the night, or constant stealing. I knew nothing about sensory processing, signs of withdrawal, the characteristics of different kinds of abuse, or what smearing is. I thought I was prepared to help with aggression and other physical cries for help, but I wasn’t prepared to be physically assaulted or to be threatened with weapons in my home. Sometimes early on, I felt completely helpless and like I was failing my kids.
All of that is super heavy to carry. However, I have learned that there is a feeling or root to every behavior. We had to learn to see that instead of the behavior. We had to learn to love anyway. We had to become experts in sensory needs and we had to become detectives into what made these kids tick so they could be the most successful possible.
Through everything, I never thought we would be affected. I didn’t realize that my heart was becoming hardened at least on the outside. Leave it to my job to rip that hardness off.
I work at an elementary school. There aren’t a ton of behaviors but a couple of my little friends do show significant signs of trauma. The classics…lack of eye contact, manipulation, fixation on insignificant events or things, and hyperactivity are pretty normal on our end of town.
A few weeks ago, there was a pretty big incident with one student I care about a ton. She was super dysregulated and in a moment of weakness, I totally failed her. I challenged and fought fire with fire instead of the better response. I think the feelings of failure hit me like a ton of bricks that day. Trauma freaking sucks.
After that incident with my little friend, a coworker stopped by my office almost directly after. She was kind of caught in the cross hairs and I definitely snapped at and I think blamed her for the big blow up with the student. I immediately felt terrible about it. Not just because I have a ton of respect and genuine care for that coworker, but usually that sort of thing isn’t in my character. I don’t actually think she was offended, but I still felt bad about it.
I should have handled the situation better with both the student and my coworker. That whole situation showed me that I may have healing to do too. When I say our hearts were broken through foster care, I’m not kidding. Even after all these months and years, we are still healing from our experiences and THAT IS OKAY. Every single one of our kids have been worth it. We love them all and miss the ones who have left. They are worth every single hard day. They were worth living in the trenches for.
This writing ended up way differently than I had intended. I’m not exactly sure the point I’m trying to make other than processing the raw effects of foster care. I’m not as strong as I want you to believe. I am normal. Despite the poker face, I do have deep emotions and most of the time that is okay. If you are still thinking you aren’t qualified to at least consider fostering or helping/supporting those of us who do think again. I am by far way less qualified….we just said yes.
Koko
