About 5 years ago, I co-led a group of 21 strangers from the US to Zambia for a month. My co-leader, Nick, and I had only communicated via email and video chats prior to leaving for training camp. When I think about my life to this point, I definitely point to that month as a time when I was stretched, broken, healed, and grown so much. I fell in deeper love with my faith, Africa, and the crazy crew Nick and I led there. I still miss these people. I still love them deeply and miss them every day.
One of the most challenging and craziest experiences of that trip and my life in general actually happened on the second day after we arrived in Zambia. That morning, all 21 of us and our hosts piled into vans to an unknown (to us) destination. I remember everyone being so excited and some of us were still coming to reality that we were in fact in Africa.
After the drive, we pulled into a village next to a building. We would later learn that was the school and we were in a village called Makumba. We would come back to this village several times throughout our month in Zambia. This particular first visit was for our team to park at the school and walk to the friends house of Sanderson our host. There was a young boy that had cancer and lost his leg and we were going to encourage his family and bring them a meal.
It goes without saying that in Zambia, when 21 caucasions pile out of vans we attract attention. Within a few minutes of parking at the school there were easily 75-90 kids all around us. Our team did what we usually did…spread out and started playing! Nick and I had talked about our roles as leaders in depth prior to ever leaving the US. So, I went into mama Koko mode and made sure I could see all of us or at least knew where everyone was. At training camp, one of the items talked about was not letting people get separated without a plan. (side note: I never realized prior to Zambia how stressful it is to lead these kind of things and worry about keeping people alive. Apologies to my leaders from India and Sierra Leone as I was always the one getting lost.)
After we played for a while, it was time to bring the meal to the young boys house. It was quite the walk, but there wasn’t a road. The large group of us started walking. I realized that a few of the girls were missing and I knew that they had been helping an older woman bring her water home from the well. Nick and I made eye contact and he knew I was staying behind to find the girls. One of the guys volunteered to stay with me. So, four of us were separated from the group. It became pretty obvious that we had no idea how to get to the boys home so the best course of action was to stay at the school.
So, there we were….a sweet young lady from Indiana, a sassy friend from Georgia, our bodyguard guy from Colorado, and myself…the super anxious leader from somewhere on planet Earth who at that moment was probably falling apart. If you aren’t aware yet, I have pretty severe anxiety. Getting forgotten with three people I’m supposed to keep safe wasn’t exactly what the doctor ordered to help me with that.
The four of us headed back to the school and decided to stay put. I remember having to choose to stay calm. One of the vans was left unlocked, so we had access to water, a ukelele, and a soccer ball that I always had with me. So the four of us decided to entertain and hang out with the 50 or so kids that were still hanging out with us.. I started playing soccer with a few of the older kids and Kyler ended up joining me. Rachel and Meredith played games with the little ones. Later on Kyler and Rachel played the ukelele and sang songs. I’m pretty sure we rocked out to Justin Bieber or Justin Timberlake that day. A few hours later, it dawned on me. We were all still completely lost. Completely forgotten. Also completely content and completely full of joy. I think God was trying to teach me a lesson that day that I don’t have to be in control and there is always joy to find.
To be perfectly honest, life lately has been rough. I am finding joy, but some days it takes some searching. Foster care has been tough. Waiting has been tough.Just when we thought we would be done waiting, we have to wait again. Anxiety has been pretty constant, and it is taking a toll on relationships around me. I don’t feel as strong as people say I am. I don’t feel calm or patient or good at anything. I feel like friends are hard to come by because having an anxious friend is hard. It’s also winter….blah. You know what though? At the end of winter comes spring. That is a truth I am clinging to.
Waiting freaking sucks. My anxiety explodes. I have to go back to Makumba village and remember that there is purpose to the waiting. That day in Makumba, I was being taught that even when lost in a village in Zambia with no way to find our friends, that I don’t have to be in control. I don’t have to be in control to be content. I don’t even have to be anxiety free to show up every day and love my kids and fight the foster care fight. Just like that day in Makumba, I don’t have to know when the waiting will end to see the beauty and joy in the wait.
Koko
