The things no one tells you about becoming a foster parent:
•You will cry. You will cry when you hear their stories. You will cry when you can’t comfort them. You will cry when you see them in pain. You will cry when you learn where their parents came from and how different your story might be had you been born into a different family.
But you will also cry when they finally let their guard down and ask you for one more hug before bed. You will cry when they say they love you. You will cry when the tiny little baby is finally comforted by your touch.
•Nothing goes according to plan. Nothing is ever finalized until the ink hits the paper.
•You WILL BE burned by the system. It is run by humans and therefore filled with flaws. There are too many channels and departments who do not have very good communication with each other and many important things get “lost in translation.”
•You will lose friends and over your foster kids. They will not understand what you are doing. They will not understand how trauma rewires the brain. They will not understand why a child acts a certain way.They won’t understand why we have to parent kids differently than they do.
•You will realize how important a solid and supportive community is. And when you find them, they will be your lifeline. You will go through periods of time where you desperately need them. You will go through periods where you will be needed.
•You will fall in love with these kids, even the tough ones. Family lines will blur the longer they are in your house, and when they leave your family, your heart will probably break. But time will heal your heart, and you will put most of the pieces back together.
•You will instantly connect with other foster families the moment you find out they foster.
•You will never again be able to ignore that there are children right here in your neighborhood, in your children’s schools, on the other side of town who need your help.
But the two things I never saw coming:
1. THE GUILT.
You will feel so guilty over EVERY SINGLE DECISION you make, even more than in your own life are you spending enough time with your foster children to help them with their trauma; are you giving your marriage enough attention; are you inconveniencing your friends by bringing trauma into their lives too; are you frustrating those around you when you seek help or just to vent? The guilt is real.
2. THE IMPACT.
I think most people get into fostering with the idea that they will change a child’s life. While that is true, I have been amazed at how our foster children have impacted our lives. How their presence lingers in the walls of our house. How their memories are brought up casually in conversation with my family when they tell stories about the past.
Your family will NEVER be the same. The dynamics of your family life will be forever altered. Your family will see the world they live in a little different. You will function differently and make decisions differently.
And you? Well, you will always be linked to your foster children, even long after they’ve moved away from your home. You will still worry about their well being and how they are doing. The smallest thing will trigger the sweetest memory of them. Sometimes it will unravel you and other times it will comfort you. But one thing is for sure, no matter where the kids live now, that mama bear feeling will never go away.