College was awful.
Middle school was dreadful, high school was hard, but college for this socially awkward anxious introvert was just awful.
Don’t get me wrong. I had a great experience. I played soccer for three years and met pretty amazing friends along the way. I traveled to the other side of the world for an entire summer. I also received an incredible education. However, for the three years I was in college…from ages 17-20, I was a hot mess. It was such a hard time figuring out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I felt alone much of the time because I was usually too anxious to join my friends when they had any fun.
I was 18 when I spent the summer in India. I’ve written a ton about that trip and the experiences that changed me as a human. It was during that summer that my faith was no longer a backpack that I could take off when I wanted or needed to. It was a daily choice to turn away from Christianity to follow Jesus. Coming home was hard. I missed the community we experienced. Jumping right back into my old life was confusing.
I struggled so much that first semester after coming home. “Struggled” is actually very generous to what that semester actually was. For the first time in my life, I didn’t enjoy playing soccer. I found some moments of joy, but overall it was hard to find. My grades went down. Relationships with those around me suffered. I shut down and was very much going through the motions for months.
I remember one night in early December very clearly. I should have been studying as it was around finals week, but as was the norm that semester, I just couldn’t focus. My friends were all worried about me, but I did a good job of holding all of them at an arm’s length. So, I sat in my dorm room alone. I turned on my TV but wasn’t interested. So, I just sat there in silence. Defeated. Broken almost. Tears streamed down my face. I just couldn’t shake the depression that had taken over my life.
A few minutes into my giant pity party, there was a ding on my phone. A friend who was on the other side of the world texted me. I opened it and read, “You will never be okay if you don’t talk about what hurts.” I hadn’t spoken to this person in nearly a year. Completely random. I sat on my bed. I read the message a few more times and let it sink in. At that moment, I did something I had refused to do in months. I prayed.
I told God how I felt. I “angry cried” for what felt like forever and told God how angry I was. How sad I was. How ashamed I was. I told him how broken I felt and how unlovable I felt. I told God how much I hated school and at that moment how defeated I felt. I told God that I felt alone. I yelled at God and told him I felt he forgot about me. After my tears finally dried, I had a little more energy than I had in months. I decided to bundle up and go on a walk to see the stars outside…something I did as a child often to cope with my anxiety.
I remember not really knowing where I was walking. I just needed to walk my feelings out. I finally sat down on a bench outside one of the classroom buildings. It was a weekend so I figured I could still be alone sitting over there…I social distanced before it was cool. I just sat and stared up at the night sky. The stars were beautiful that night. A few minutes later, the door behind me opened. It was one of my professors.
We were both surprised to see one another. This wasn’t even the building she normally taught in, but she had just stopped by to drop off material for another professor before classes the next day. This particular staff member and I knew each other well. She could see I had been upset and asked if I was okay. I immediately said I was fine. I 100% knew she didn’t believe me, but I appreciated that she didn’t push it.
She asked if she could stargaze with me for a few minutes before she left. I figured I would fail my next test if I said no and I didn’t need help doing poorly, so I slid over to make room on the bench. Neither one of us said anything for what felt like an eternity.
After the longest awkward silence of my life my professor said something I won’t ever forget.
“Kourtney, what is hurting right now?”
My jaw may or may not have dropped.
Still not wanting to let anyone into my world, I reminded her that she said she had to go home. My professor smiled and said that she wasn’t even supposed to be on campus that night but that she felt that God was telling her to be there. I then just laughed. I finally let it all out. I finally explained how I was feeling and how I didn’t know how to shake it. I explained how my grades were suffering (she laughed because she knew) and how I was tired all the time. She just let me talk.
When I was done she gave me a big hug and said that it was okay to not be okay. She spoke life into me at that moment. God gave her the words and it was as if he was answering all my worries and feelings straight through her.
After that night, life started to look up. My grades ended up being pretty darn good, I enjoyed futsal that winter, and my friendships were renewed. My hope in Jesus had been restored. He hadn’t forgotten and abandoned me in a small Nebraska town. Professional counseling, lots more prayer, and self care got me back to my normal charming self.
I wanted to share this with you because sometimes in the hard moments I forget what I learned that cold winter night. I learned that night that God is the same God in the summer as he is in the Winter. He is the same God in the hardest moments as he is on the best days of our lives. He is the same God on my dorm room floor as he is every other day of my life. God’s goodness and love is not dependent on my circumstances.
Christianity isn’t always attractive to me. I’ve written about this often, but sometimes “church” turns me away. Church can sometimes be a hard place with someone like me to fit in. Church can sometimes be divisive. It can sometimes do damage to those of us who are hurt, because hurt people hurt people. Church can be hard because of what is sometimes required of you. Sometimes the rituals, traditions, big lights, exclusive social groups, and church dogma are just too much for this overwhelmed introvert.
But following Jesus is none of those things. Yes, we are called to be in community. I’m not denying that. But all the God of the universe asked for was my heart–and yours too. There aren’t any conditions except to love him. Following Jesus also means to love others more than yourself. It means to love others because of their differences, not just tolerate them. It means to love the anxious. It means to love the broken. It means to love yourself too.
Don’t ever forget that God is the same God on both the worst and best days of your life.
You are loved friends.
Koko