My husband and I were foster parents for a little over three years. Our family was built through adoption. It is because of our experiences that I remain incredibly passionate about advocating for foster children and the families that care for them. As long as there are foster children in our country, I will continue to speak about our experiences so more people can come along the kids in care and the families that support them.
Many days as a foster parent I was frustrated by comments people would make to me. I would tend to get offended, but after awhile I realized that MOST people mean well. They simply just don’t know what is okay or not okay. I remember back to before we became licensed. There was so much about the foster care world that I didn’t know or understand because I had not lived it.
I thought I would give the community I love so much a voice to share more about their experiences. I asked foster/adoptive parents from all over Iowa and five other states to tell me one thing they wished people from outside of our community knew. Below are their responses.
Not all kids’ issues are a result of parenting.
Please don’t ask which ones are adopted, foster, or bio. They are all loved.
Adopting a child at any age, even a baby, doesn’t mean you will not have any problems. When you adopt, you adopt and love all parts that come with the child.
I don’t like when people say, “I couldn’t foster because I’d get too attached.” We do get attached…that’s the point.
Reunification isn’t always a bad thing if bio parents do what they need to do to heal, change, and it’s safe. I’ve reunited kids and had a great relationship with their parents. Not all parents are terrible.
Do not ask if my kids are real brothers.
Deciding to foster and then later adopt has been the hardest and best thing we’ve ever done.
Don’t assume or question about whether my foster or adopted child’s bio parents were drug addicts. Not everyone is in foster care because of drug issues. Please don’t villainize bio parents right away.
I don’t like being congratulated or told how great I am for adopting my kids.
“At least they are young and won’t remember.” Being young doesn’t erase trauma.
Adopting kids won’t suddenly make their trauma go away.
When kids get to go home it is bittersweet. We are happy, but also incredibly sad all at the same time.
Don’t assume my kids’ bio parents are evil.
Respect the kids’ stories. Why they are in care or adopted is only their story to tell.
Birth parents aren’t all terrible. Some are products of trauma and foster care themselves and are climbing to overcome their past and they deserve grace and respect.
Stop telling me my kids need to be disciplined more. How you parent your kids doesn’t always work for kids with trauma.
I know people mean well, but the “amazing” and “superhero” rhetoric makes me feel nauseous.
My kids aren’t “lucky.” These kids deserved to have parents that love and protect them from the beginning and for some reason that didn’t happen.
Adoption is always complicated.
Saying, “I hope you get to adopt them.” Don’t jump to that. Reunification is the goal in foster care. We don’t hope to adopt them all. We first hope they can go home.
Typical parenting doesn’t work for our kids. They often cannot connect consequences because of their past.
Trauma is hard.
Kids who have experienced trauma don’t just flip from “fight or flight” to “safe and secure” because they are in a safe environment.
Trauma does not equal a bad kid.
Just because I’m using a WIC card doesn’t mean I’m trying to let everyone else support me. There are many reasons to have WIC and medicaid.
We are all tired.
Please respect kids’ stories and don’t pry into their past.
There are many trauma related behaviors around food. Ask us as caregivers before offering our kids food, candy, etc.
That we work with the bio parents even when it could be so easy to blame and hate on them. Most parents are victims of the system themselves and their families have experienced generations of trauma. These families DO deserve us to go above and beyond.
Fostering changes you.
I’m not “just the foster mom.” I have been told that more than once and it’s frustrating. I am the one who picks up the pieces, the one who kisses the scrapes, the one who tucks them in, the one who holds their hands when they are scared. I am the one who shuttles them to appointments and provides updates to the team. I am the one who works with and supports bio parents sometimes even after adoption. I’m not “just the foster mom.”
Trauma isn’t an excuse, it is a reason.
Foster care is harder and more broken than you think.
Even if all of the kids were adopted today it won’t solve the foster care crisis. We need to work on prevention for birth families to help them from reaching crisis.
My kids don’t have to be grateful we adopted them.
These kids have been through A TON. But at the end of the day they are just kids who want to be loved.
The kids are worth it.