Recently, I was with a bunch of my parents’ friends at a party for their 40th wedding anniversary. Most, if not all, of these humans have been around my life for over 15 years. Many of them have children that are the friends I grew up around after we moved to central Iowa.
Many of them were asking about the boys. We don’t see many other people when we go back, other than family. So, many of these people had never or rarely met my children or my sisters’ kids who were also there.
One individual stopped me and asked to point out my boys. My boys actually look very much like my niece and nephews. I laughed at the “which ones are adopted” questions. My parents have never treated my children differently than my sister’s kids, so she kind of chuckled at the question too. We pointed out all the kids in age order. After identifying all members of the little blonde army by name, age, and the parent they belonged to, a comment was made that I hear more than you would think.
“They look so normal for having been in foster care.”
It’s not the first time I’ve heard this and I can pretty much guarantee that it won’t be the last. I know that this particular person had no ill intent, so I wasn’t offended necessarily. I was just sad. I was sad because of the stigma that children experiencing foster care have to deal with sometimes. This is exactly the type of commentary I would like to shield and protect my children from. Even without ill intent, I never want my kids to have to assume that they are broken or something was wrong with them because their life started off rough.
I feel like I live in a constant state of wanting to protect and shield my children from everything bad and hard in the world while also wanting them to experience life to the fullest extent and have every opportunity possible. The truth is that kids grow. I can only protect them for so long.
Instead of shielding them from the uncomfortable and hard, I hope we can ingrain in their minds how God crafted and shaped their lives and stories. I hope we can teach them to have the confidence to educate in moments ignorant statements are made. My wish and goal is that my kids’ stories are never a source of shame but proof that love exists.
For the record, all children experiencing foster care are normal kids. They have needs and yes, most have experienced trauma at some level. Trauma is hard. However, they are normal kids who deserve to be loved. They deserve to dream and have experiences. They deserve to make mistakes and learn. They deserve to grow up in families. Children experiencing foster care deserve the world.
Koko