Too Broken for Church

I walked into church alone today which is unusual. Most of the time, I at least have the boys with me. They are still at camp grandma and grandpa so I decided to go alone. I went to a different service than usual because I worked late last night and koko likes to sleep. 

I felt okay about going in, normal even. When I have my kids, I always have some anxiety about how they will be, etc. Having a high needs child will do that to you. I walked in and found a seat. I have a history of major social anxiety. I can “fake it” for work, but inside I’m usually not calm at all. 

Today was not good. 

I found my seat and immediately felt a rush of anxiety come over me. My hands were sweating and my chest began to pound. I felt powerless. I had to get home as soon as possible. I tried to breathe and wait it out. I tried to ride the waves. But, I was not strong enough and quite literally ran away from it to the sanctuary that is Murphy Manor. 

It feels so stupid. I’ve been in the church since I was just weeks old. Nothing is ever new to me. I know the right things to say and do. I know the lingo. I should feel comfortable. 

But, something in me has changed over the last few years. 

My heart has been changed by hurt. My heart has been changed with the pangs of being different.

I know that the church is made up of broken and hurt people and hurt people will always hurt people. I know that it is a people issue and not a God issue. God knows me and sees me through my anxiety and struggle and I know that at my core. But, I struggle with the age old issue of fitting in. Truth be told, I’ve always felt “off.” I’ve never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. Wherever I went I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

I’ve made strides in my life to fight anxiety with hope and belief that God can conquer anything. But, for me, I believe my anxiety is part of my genetic code. It’s just who I am. I have been anxious, a worrier, a deep feeler, and change resistant human since birth. Through a lot of therapy and breakthroughs in my early 20’s I learned how to handle my anxiety and all about what causes it, etc. 

Church in general is a huge trigger for me. My family have been hurt by people in the church to our core in the past few years. I’m not saying we hold no weight in any of the situations. But, It has been really hard to recover. It’s hard to trust anyone. It is hard to want and desire a community, but also feel like it’s not worth the pain of rejection. Again. I don’t hold any one person or group of people to blame. That would not be helpful. Most of the time people do not do hurtful things with ill intent, they do them unintentionally.

Today I was too broken for church and admittedly could not handle it.

I connect with God in ways that are personal to me. When I’m alone and walk or when I’m in nature I can connect with him. When I am in the most anxious state, I can rationalize that it isn’t my heavenly father causing these feelings and he does see me and loves me. So, I know these feelings are from the enemy.

Perhaps one day I will fit in. One day I can walk into the doors of any church and not feel an instant pang of anxiety. One day I may find connection and belonging. It’s okay that today is not that day. 

I don’t write this or tell this story for sympathy. I don’t want any, but I do know that others have felt or feel the same was as I do. Maybe you have been hurt by the church too. Maybe you feel wronged by God. Maybe you are angry. Maybe you are sad. 

I write this to remind you that you aren’t alone. I write this to remind you that what we as humans have made the church collectively is not at all what I feel Jesus intended for the church to be. Know that beyond anything human you are loved and seen and cared for.  Even on days like today, I do believe that God gifted me anxiety in order to feel deeply and connect with others for his glory and purposes.

Today I feel sad, but tomorrow is a brand new day. If you feel the same way I do, make sure you reach out and connect to one person today. Check on your friends. Remind them they are loved. 

After a few days of separation, I’m so excited to see my kids and Ryan again and my heart will again be filled with warmth and joy.  

Koko