Dear Grandma,
I’ve thought about you more in the last few months than I have in the whole eight years since you went to heaven. I’ve thought about what you would think about some situations and advice you would give. I think about how you would love my boys. It makes me sad to think that none of them will ever know you. I miss you even more than I did then. I’m not sure how that is even possible because losing you was the sharpest pain I’ve ever felt.
I can remember everything about that night.
I remember the last words you ever spoke to me. Words I still hold so close to my heart.
I remember knowing that the end was close and having to tell everyone.
I remember holding the phone to your ear so my dad could tell you goodbye.
I remember all the family who came and surrounded you as fast as they could.
I remember singing and praying over you.
I remember brushing your hair and helping you be comfortable one final time.
I remember holding your hand and not wanting to let go long after your grip loosened.
I remember knowing it was the end.
I remember having to tell my dad and literally not saying a word because he just knew why I was calling.
I remember the minutes after and not knowing exactly what to do.
I’m sad that cancer stole you away from us. I feel robbed of time with you. I wish my kids could just get one hug from you.
Walking you home was so hard and so painful, but it was also really beautiful and sweet. You were such a stubborn crazy lady that had an impact on a lot of people.
I miss you. I still wish I could call you on big days and the mundane days. I miss your house and having our family all gather there. I even miss you asking us about our love lives and offering to hit pedestrians for us so we could “nurse them back to health.”
I know one day you will be the one to greet me first in heaven. I’m not in a rush to get there, but I can’t wait to hug you and tell you everything.
I love you grandma.
Kourtney
