I’ve never been a super social person. I get so anxious and second guess myself constantly. My anxiety in most social interactions is pretty high. I’ve always been the person that has many acquaintances, but the inner circle is pretty tight, always very intentionally careful to let the other see over the wall, but never to allow my walls to come down.
There are so many reasons for that. Everyone has their own checkered past of broken friendships and hurts. I’m not the exception to that at all. I think everyone has hurt people and everyone has been hurt. Because we are human.
As an adult, I have felt safer to be lonely. I’m really good at having high level acquaintances. I truly do care about people. My grandmother once told me that my ability to feel how others are feeling and empathize with them is a gift. I can’t read people, I feel people. I can feel when they are joyous or when they are lonely. I then tend to take that and carry it myself, because that is what I do. Sometimes, my own anxiety gets in the way, but usually I’m not wrong. I disagree with Betty though. I think this is my greatest downfall. I feel too much.
I have given away my heart and loyalty too quickly in the past. I willingly gave those things to anyone who needed it. Which sounds really great, but caused so much pain and heartache. I’m afraid to do that again. The pain of loneliness is significantly less than the agony of rejection or hurt.
Learning to trust and let people in is hard. I’m pretty hesitant, but I believe God puts people in your life when you need them. Not just acquaintances or positive people. But friends. The kind who will see you for who you are. The kind who will laugh with you. The kind who will make fun of you one minute and cry with you the next. Those people who you can call late at night to say literally nothing because you are anxious again. Those people who will have hard conversations with you and tell you things you don’t want to hear but love you enough to tell you. The people who will build you up when you feel so low.
I’m at that division line in my life right now and it’s hard. It’s hard to not want to push people away because of your hurt. It’s hard to allow people to really see you. Authenticity creates safe space. Safe space is how we grow. Growth is healing.
Healing gives life.
Koko