Raising a child with special needs is hard.
Sometimes it feels really isolating. Good days are hard to find in some seasons. People don’t always understand and humans tend to shy away from what isn’t comfortable to them. It can be a hard cycle to be in.
I am thankful for my higher needs son. When I first met him he was only a few days old. I knew instantly that he would be my son one day. I can’t really explain that, but I just knew. It is easy to advocate for him, knowing what he has overcome. It is easy to fight for him, knowing where he started. That doesn’t mean we don’t have hard moments and days.
I think the aspect that often gets overlooked in raising a child with higher needs…is the siblings.
My kids are 10 months apart. I could take a cruise if I was given a dollar for the amount of times I have been asked if they were twins. Their journeys to get to five years old have been both similar and vastly different.
The day I was first introduced to my younger son, Jon, I was told there was a good chance he may not live a normal life. Simple things like walking, talking, or existing could be difficult. Yet, he continues to shatter those barriers. He is an overcomer.
My other son, Tripp, is his brother’s fierce protector. He loves his brother, cares for him, and knows how to help him in his darkest moments. He finds his brothers calm in hard situations and his smile can light up the room. He is my joy.
Balancing those two is not easy. Unfortunately, having a brother with higher needs does come at a cost. Sometimes, his brother takes up a considerable amount of attention. Sometimes, his needs have to be delayed, because of his brother. As his mama, I hate that. It makes me very emotional. I am embarrassed and frustrated to even admit any of this. We do our absolute best, but sometimes our best is just not good enough.
I refuse to allow my more neurotypical child to be a glass child. Balancing the needs of a child with very high needs and a child that doesn’t is so hard. I don’t want my older son to grow up and be made of glass. I do not want him to feel ignored or overshadowed. I don’t want him to feel less loved or cared for. We walk such a high tight rope. As I’ve learned so many times along our parenthood journey, the village does not always show up because the world just keeps going. So, we continue to do our best. To protect and advocate for one child and shatter another childs glass as best we can and parent both of them well.
I do rest in the knowledge that when we are weak, our God is strong. I do know that I was chosen to be BOTH of my son’s moms. Many days I feel that was a mistake and I am inadequate, but deep in my heart, I know God has me right where I am supposed to be. Sometimes our life is hard and isolating. Sometimes people don’t understand. But, when we said “yes” in 2020 and 2021, we said yes for life.
God totally gives us more than we can handle so we are forced to trust him. I believe he totally isolates and separates us so we have nowhere else to look for rescue. That does not mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean we won’t cry (often.) But, it does mean one day it will be worth it. The Lord loves my children more than I ever could hope or imagine. I just have to take deep breaths and rest in that.
If you know someone who has adopted and/or parents a child with higher needs, chances are they could use a check-in text or call. This time of year is full of change and new and that is hard for so many of our kids. If you know someone who lives a similar life to mine, they probably could use a hug and a non judgemental ear.Don’t give up on them. Don’t offer advice. Just encourage, support, and love in any way you can.
Finding Joy,
Kourtney