***Note: This is one of those times that I am just along for the ride as my hands and fingers go on the keyboard. I intentionally do not go back and edit the writing other than spelling and some grammatical things. But, I do not cut out, add to, or edit the content other than that. This one has some directness that is not typical of how I write and is a bit “bouncy”, but I think that it’s important to leave it as is.***
My brain almost never stops. I am constantly thinking and overthinking and feeling and over feeling. It is a seemingly never-ending cycle. Yet, at the peak of almost every anxiety attack I have, I have to make a choice to let him in or not.
My anxiety is like a persistent boxing match between the things I know to be true and the lies the enemy wants me to believe. Sometimes, the enemy gains ground and has the truth backed in a corner, but the truth emerges and fights back. No side has ever gotten the knockout, but it’s been close.
Anxiety is absolutely real and not a choice. It can cause physical symptoms and can come in unpredictable waves. But, I also think there is a spiritual element to all of it. I have found that my seasons of highest anxiety are the seasons directly following a season of spiritual growth, because that is what the enemy does. He doesn’t like it and will attack. Choosing faith and choosing God over the comfortable and easy is always going to result in challenges to some degree. Because when we are weak, that is an opportunity for God to remind us that our true strength comes from him alone.
Recently, I was challenged to make an intentional shift of how I face the never ending battle in my head. I have found that running away from my anxiety or ignoring it or acting like it isn’t there is really only a bandaid. All that does is allow the negative to get a foothold and the enemy gains ground. When I fight the feelings it actually makes the anxiety worse.
Instead of running away from it, I am learning to embrace the feeling, name it, invite God into that, and let it pass. It is much easier said than done and it is uncomfortable at times. But, the Lord wants me to allow him to be present in my wholeness AND my moments of brokenness.
In the highest moments of anxiety, all he wants from me is to come to him. But, I’m stubborn and that conversation goes something like this:
Just come to me
But, I’m anxious. I know. Just come.
But, I messed up again. I know, just come.
But, I feel unlovable. I know, just come to me.
But, I’m tired. I know, just come to me.
But, I’m broken. I know…it’s okay, just come.
But, I have nothing to offer. Just come to me.
Just come to me.
It isn’t easy, but I have been reminded time and time again in this season that all he wants from me is my heart. God knew what he was getting when he asked for my heart. He knew my fears when he called me his. He knew about mistakes, shortcomings, and failures when he chose to love me. All he wants is my heart.
In those moments of chaos in my brain, inviting God into that means reminding myself of my identity. I am not my anxiety. I am not my panic. I am not my depression. I am not my past. I am not my hurt.
I am his beloved. I am his child. I am loved. I am chosen. I am set apart. I am worth it.
And you are too. These “thoughts” really are just that today. Thoughts. No story, or blueprint, or end in mind. So, I leave you with these final thoughts.
There is nothing you can do to make God love you less. There is nothing you can do to make God love you more. He loves you right now 100%. He loves you 100% where you are right now. He loves you with all of your fears and failures, mistakes and shortcomings. He knows and he just says to come.
KM