So, I have anxiety.
I’ve always had it, I think. There have been seasons that it has come in waves so strong and fast it knocked me off my feet. There have also been seasons of unexplainable calm and peace.
Sometimes anxiety feels like all my senses are turned up too high. Every noise is too loud. Every touch is too much. Every light is too bright. Sometimes the anxiety has made me silent and frozen. I have felt trapped in a prison of my own fear, unable to escape.
Sometimes anxiety makes normal life feel overwhelming. Everything is too much. Cleaning the mess is too much, doing laundry is too much, cooking is just too much. Sometimes anxiety makes me unable to have certain conversations with people because I know it will make my mind spin.
Sometimes anxiety has made me feel physically ill, like headaches, stomach aches and knots in my neck and back from stress. Sometimes anxiety has made me feel like I am completely alone in a crowded room. Sometimes anxiety has caused panic attacks so strong I can’t breathe.
Sometimes anxiety has made me unable to sleep. Sometimes my anxiety makes it difficult for people to be close to me. Sometimes anxiety has altered my relationships with others. Sometimes anxiety makes me on edge and impatient with my family and friends. This is my least favorite symptom, I think.
You know what else having anxiety means?
It means I will never judge someone in the middle of their own mental health crisis.
I will never wonder why she’s not happy when she has so much to be thankful for.
I will never wonder why she pushes me away when she is struggling too.
I will never wonder why she is so scared about something that seems unreasonable.
I will always have a strong ability to deeply care and connect with other people.
I will always feel shifts in the people around me and validate them in their own feelings.
I will always be abe to defer to compassion rather than judgement.
I will always want to listen when someone needs to talk.
I will always be able to empathize and support.
I will always have the opportunity to find and cling to deep joy.
I will always have the ability to celebrate the ordinary and mundane days.
The thing is, anxiety really does suck. It really does. It has changed my life, my relationships, and how I think and process the world around me. But the more we can talk about it and be authentic with each other, we slowly realize that perhaps we aren’t alone after all and there is real power and peace in that knowledge.
If your seas are currently hard and stormy, I hold space for you. I have been there. Just hold on. It will be worth it. I promise.
Kourt